I have a German Aunty, I also have a Danish Grandfather and a Dutch Cousin, and before you ask… no I am not a member of the Royal Family; they are of course, my international relations.
International relations has become an increasingly popular subject since the formation of the current Government - often referred to as the “coalition Government”, which is slightly odd as the previous Government was never referred to as the “majority Government”.
David Cameron appears to be quite bad at international relations; in recent months he’s upset Israel, the USA and Pakistan – quite why he insists on upsetting countries that harbour nuclear weapons is anyone’s guess.
In addition, when he wasn’t angering countries with nuclear weapons, he was angering certain quarters of the British public by claiming that Iran, a country without nuclear weapons, did have nuclear weapons – things can obviously get confusing and quite why such an error occurred is nuclear… sorry I meant unclear… as I said… things can get confusing.
The Prime Minister clearly views foreign affairs to be of high importance and as a safety precaution; he has requested that Boris Johnson remains on British soil – not because he’s highly gaffe prone and may cause offence to the people of whichever country he visits; I simply mean that he’s so adulterous that it’s highly probable that he would have an affair with a foreign lady. Whilst Boris is a massive advocate of the congestion charge, he sensibly doesn’t apply to his bedroom – as it would end up costing him a fortune.
Whilst the Conservatives are take a great active interest in foreign affairs, almost paradoxically; many of them are noted Eurosceptics – which must be like Jeremy Clarkson teaching a class about responsible driving or Brian Blessed lecturing people on how to be discrete.
I think such scepticism in terms of the EU derives a lot from the expansion of it May 2005; where the EU increased from having 15 member countries to 25 member countries, the ten countries joining being Estonia, Malta, Cyprus, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Hungary, Dopey, Sleepy and Happy.
The right-wing media made a huge fuss about the large volume of people who would flock to the UK as soon as the new countries were inducted into the EU. The fuss was so large that anyone would have thought the UK was about to sink under the sheer weight of the new immigrants – at which point it would probably have been quite useful if some of them were dwarfs.
Whilst the EU does have its drawbacks, it was notable that during the three Leadership Debates this year; that one of the two things that all the three major party leaders agreed on was that it was important for the UK to remain part of the EU – the other thing they all managed to agree on was that they all agreed with Nick.
Yet despite all this, the anti EU lobby is alive and well and is led by UKIP, whom have Nigel Farrage as one of their senior figures – despite him having a French pronunciation to his name. In fairness to Nigel Farrage, I’m guessing that the manner in which his name is pronounced is rather a small issue to him, given that earlier this year he was involved in a severe airplane crash that nearly killed – whether this was a failed suicide mission against the European parliament remains to be seen.
But fortunately the Government is taking a more serous approach to foreign affairs than the jokers that are UKIP, who with their monotonous ill-informed drone about how the EU is harming our economy and heritage, should probably adopt a slogan of “we talk, UKIP”.
As a sign of the significance that the current Government places on foreign affairs, they have made William Hague the Foreign Secretary. Hague is an important Political heavyweight, hence his honorific title of First Secretary State – a title formerly held by John Prescott, who was very much a “Political heavyweight” in a totally different sense.
Hague has been the unfortunate victim of a smear campaign regarding an alleged homosexual relationship with his former aide Christopher Myers, something Hague has robustly denied – presumably pointing to the fact that he’s from Yorkshire and he used to drink 14 pints of bitter a day as evidence that he’s a heterosexual.
The manner in which Hague has been the cornerstone of the Conservative front bench since David Cameron’s election as party leader, led to Cameron quickly coming out in support of Hague saying he was “100% behind William Hague”… meanwhile… Christopher Myers was claiming that he was anywhere but “100% behind William Hague”…
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Statistically speaking
It’s time to ‘blog again and after my comments a few weeks ago about Top Gear having short interviews with meaningless celebrities; their final three episodes of the series saw them interview: Andy Garcia, Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz and Jeff Goldblum – so I must now eat my words as BBC wonders why they let Michael Parkinson and Jonathan Ross leave.
Anyway, back on to the current ‘blog, there’s no need to bring the past out all over again – as O J Simpson often says.
It can be said that there are: true lies, damn lies and… the statements which Jeffery Archer used to claim were correct (I don’t even have to put the word “allegedly”, as he’s a convicted perjurer). Aside from that, statistics are often be grouped in with the contents of the previous sentence; and they are often said to be misleading - this is probably because 10 out of every 9 statistics are incorrect.
Ultimately, I think a good statistic can often give food for thought, yet these are often too simplified, there is often very little in the reported media that really drills down into greater detail. When he was Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott always used to advise that people take statistics with a pinch of salt – although to be fair, John Prescott use to advised that everything be taken with a pinch of salt. Moreover, in terms of statistics, it’s very important to remember that one can easily drown in a swimming pool which has an average depth of half a metre.
Whilst reading a report about California’s current fiscal emergency, the BBC News Website referred to California’s economy as being the “8th largest in the world”, a statistic which is totally meaningless – you can’t create an economic area and slot it into another table and claim it to be an acceptable thing to do, did this table consider the combined economy of the EU? What about the combined economy of the NAFTA members? Has anyone considered the combined economy of the USA and Kenya? It’s a bit like me saying that the £8 note is the fourth highest monetary denomination in the UK (after the £50, £20 and £10 notes) this is a obviously a load of rubbish – as I haven’t considered the £13.80 note.
To some degree, I of course sympathise, with the people of California during their economic struggle; who would have thought that a Hollywood actor and former bodybuilder with no Political experience whatsoever would struggle to lead his state through an economic downturn? At current, he’s making massive cuts to the public sector and cancelling contractual agreements – I suppose he can now legitimately be called the Terminator.
Obviously, economics can be very hard to understand, as can making money via financial services in an economic downturn. Having heard a bit about trading, I recently attempted to make a lot of money buying and selling on the markets – but unfortunately, no-one wanted to buy my fresh fruit and vegetables. I then tried to trade on the stock market, where I attempted to make a large amount of money by using a “short-selling” strategy – but regrettably, it was during the winter, so not many people wanted to buy shorts.
I think statistics links in well to finance as it is partly based around having a numeric competence. This week, a lot of the UK banks released their six month results for the first half of the year. Northern Rock was one such bank, and the “bad” portion of the bank, which consists of mortgages and unsecured loans, made a profit of £349.7m, meanwhile, the “good” portion of the bank, consisting of consumers’ deposits and newer loans, made a loss of £142.6m. With the “bad” bank making a profit and the “good” ban being at a loss; it is hardly a great surprise that people don’t fully understand the mechanics of the banking crisis – after all, the bad/good bank’s profit/loss situation at Northern Rock is akin to Sir Edmund Hillary climbing up Everest and then being unable to walk up his staircase when he returned home.
So, having now written over 73.728% of this ‘blog I should head back to the irrelevant statistics, particularly with respect to percentages. The phrase “I gave 110%” is increasingly popular, and Gordon Brown was once heavily criticised for saying he “was 101% behind Tony Blair”, even though he was behind him to a greater level than his physical capabilities – it’s like complaining that Jesus walked on water, instead of running on lemonade.
I think my main dislike regarding statistics stems from the roundness of the numbers; the manner in which percentages are rounded to the nearest 10% shows a lack of reliability. There is an advert on television about road safety that advises that “if you hit a child a 30 [miles per hour], there’s a 80% chance they will live; if you hit them at 40 [miles per hour], there’s a 80% they will die.” There statements are not wholly accurate (or if you like, not 100% accurate) – because no matter what speed you hit the young child at, they will die eventually.
That rounds up all I have to say about statistics, and it may be a while until I ‘blog again; as I am soon to move to the big city and start working full time… I’m a little bit nervous about living in a big city centre… but I should be fine… apparently 90% of people enjoy it…
Anyway, back on to the current ‘blog, there’s no need to bring the past out all over again – as O J Simpson often says.
It can be said that there are: true lies, damn lies and… the statements which Jeffery Archer used to claim were correct (I don’t even have to put the word “allegedly”, as he’s a convicted perjurer). Aside from that, statistics are often be grouped in with the contents of the previous sentence; and they are often said to be misleading - this is probably because 10 out of every 9 statistics are incorrect.
Ultimately, I think a good statistic can often give food for thought, yet these are often too simplified, there is often very little in the reported media that really drills down into greater detail. When he was Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott always used to advise that people take statistics with a pinch of salt – although to be fair, John Prescott use to advised that everything be taken with a pinch of salt. Moreover, in terms of statistics, it’s very important to remember that one can easily drown in a swimming pool which has an average depth of half a metre.
Whilst reading a report about California’s current fiscal emergency, the BBC News Website referred to California’s economy as being the “8th largest in the world”, a statistic which is totally meaningless – you can’t create an economic area and slot it into another table and claim it to be an acceptable thing to do, did this table consider the combined economy of the EU? What about the combined economy of the NAFTA members? Has anyone considered the combined economy of the USA and Kenya? It’s a bit like me saying that the £8 note is the fourth highest monetary denomination in the UK (after the £50, £20 and £10 notes) this is a obviously a load of rubbish – as I haven’t considered the £13.80 note.
To some degree, I of course sympathise, with the people of California during their economic struggle; who would have thought that a Hollywood actor and former bodybuilder with no Political experience whatsoever would struggle to lead his state through an economic downturn? At current, he’s making massive cuts to the public sector and cancelling contractual agreements – I suppose he can now legitimately be called the Terminator.
Obviously, economics can be very hard to understand, as can making money via financial services in an economic downturn. Having heard a bit about trading, I recently attempted to make a lot of money buying and selling on the markets – but unfortunately, no-one wanted to buy my fresh fruit and vegetables. I then tried to trade on the stock market, where I attempted to make a large amount of money by using a “short-selling” strategy – but regrettably, it was during the winter, so not many people wanted to buy shorts.
I think statistics links in well to finance as it is partly based around having a numeric competence. This week, a lot of the UK banks released their six month results for the first half of the year. Northern Rock was one such bank, and the “bad” portion of the bank, which consists of mortgages and unsecured loans, made a profit of £349.7m, meanwhile, the “good” portion of the bank, consisting of consumers’ deposits and newer loans, made a loss of £142.6m. With the “bad” bank making a profit and the “good” ban being at a loss; it is hardly a great surprise that people don’t fully understand the mechanics of the banking crisis – after all, the bad/good bank’s profit/loss situation at Northern Rock is akin to Sir Edmund Hillary climbing up Everest and then being unable to walk up his staircase when he returned home.
So, having now written over 73.728% of this ‘blog I should head back to the irrelevant statistics, particularly with respect to percentages. The phrase “I gave 110%” is increasingly popular, and Gordon Brown was once heavily criticised for saying he “was 101% behind Tony Blair”, even though he was behind him to a greater level than his physical capabilities – it’s like complaining that Jesus walked on water, instead of running on lemonade.
I think my main dislike regarding statistics stems from the roundness of the numbers; the manner in which percentages are rounded to the nearest 10% shows a lack of reliability. There is an advert on television about road safety that advises that “if you hit a child a 30 [miles per hour], there’s a 80% chance they will live; if you hit them at 40 [miles per hour], there’s a 80% they will die.” There statements are not wholly accurate (or if you like, not 100% accurate) – because no matter what speed you hit the young child at, they will die eventually.
That rounds up all I have to say about statistics, and it may be a while until I ‘blog again; as I am soon to move to the big city and start working full time… I’m a little bit nervous about living in a big city centre… but I should be fine… apparently 90% of people enjoy it…
Friday, 30 July 2010
Walking in a Summer Wonderland
The summer is upon us in Britain: sunny days, long warm evenings and lovely tans… will not be found, not in the British summer at least. However: scattered showers, overcast conditions and high winds can all be found – so much for global warming.
The British summer is always unusual, last year a barbeque summer was predicted; and in fairness to the Met Office, we were given the a barbeque summer – so long as the barbeques we were planning on having had a monsoon theme to them. One can only hope, for the sake of their spouse and children, that the head of the Met Office isn’t on a performance related pay scheme.
Forecasting is always going to be hard, in effect you’re trying to predict the future and that’s no easy job – who for example would have predicted that Boris Johnson would be allowed to run one of the most important cities in the world?
With certainty, the meteorologists are better predictors of the future that the so called “fortune tellers” that can often be found a fairgrounds. These fortune tellers often ask questions such as, “does the name John mean anything to you,” to which the person answering has 2 options:
- Answer “yes” and then you can explain a bit about John.
- Answer “no” at which point the fortune teller will say, “he will come into your life soon” – if he doesn’t, which is likely, then you’re hardly going to be able to track the fortune teller down.
Such is the cloudiness of what fortune tellers say that they now have to officially state that their advice is purely entertainment – a move that, unsurprisingly, the fortune tellers didn’t see coming and one wonders if the weather forecast should display the same warning.
In fairness, we shouldn’t really complain about the weather forecaster, it’s not their fault that the British summer tends to be intertwined with bad weather, in a manner similar to which the England football team is intertwined with underachievement and the words “British Telecom helpline” are intertwined with being an oxymoron.
It would be nice to be able to go out to the beach and enjoy a hot summer’s day, safe in the knowledge that it will remain a hot summer’s day, yet the last time I went to the British seaside, I had to go and buy a jumper to keep myself warm, and this was in August – whilst I wanted to see some beautiful blue skies and the feeling of the sand going between my toes, I ended up with blue hands and my toes nearly dropping off due to frostbite.
I always think the summer and the British seaside has always been associated with something slightly smutty, perhaps is it the Carry On style postcards that adorn the independent seaside newsagents. I don’t think that there has been a Carry On film recorded at the seaside, but it would have been a good idea; it would certainly give a legitimate reason for Barbara Windsor to be wearing a bikini and the writers would no doubt find an adequate reason for said bikini to fall off. Furthermore, the setting could easily be at a port town – that way Kenneth Williams could make jokes about sailors and the amount of discharged seamen on the streets.
But the British seaside during the summer appears to be a heaven for older people, often sensibly dressed in overcoats, tailored cotton trousers and black shoes, and who can blame them, the weather will often chance dramatically. It really is a shame though that our older people who’ve worked hard all their life aren’t afforded the luxury of nice weather in the summer, consequently people will instead holiday abroad.
The British will often head over to Spain, Portugal or Greece their holidays and battle with the rest of Europe in a competition to secure a sunlounger as early in the day as possible. At least by heading abroad, the schoolchildren aren’t subjected to the TV adverts that occur 1 day into the 6 weeks holidays saying that they will soon be “going back to school soon”, the children are aware of this, so it would be nice not to constantly remind them of the inevitable – you don’t see people going around an old peoples’ home and advising them that they will be dying soon, similarly, you don’t see people at a John Terry’s house telling his wife that her husband is probably having an affair, allegedly.
Yet, once the sunlounger is reserved, a week long project to change the colour of your body can commence, which will go one of two ways – firstly, you will burn and turn a shade of red which is slightly brighter than a highly embarrassed and heavily bleeding tomato or you will go brown and your body will have a higher leather content than Tom Jones’ trousers. Accordingly, on your return from holiday you need to ensure that you don’t visit the Land of Leather, just in case someone puts a price tag on you and includes you in their closing down sale – which a sale that has been ongoing since 1894.
Perhaps it is this desire to sunbath/burn that drives people to the sunnier spots, as well as the want to be close to the more attractive people, obviously for the younger man, there is the opportunity to froth at the mouth at the topless sunbathers from around the world… indeed, I once remember lying on a sunlounger next to an American with the biggest breasts I’d ever seen… he was enormous…
The British summer is always unusual, last year a barbeque summer was predicted; and in fairness to the Met Office, we were given the a barbeque summer – so long as the barbeques we were planning on having had a monsoon theme to them. One can only hope, for the sake of their spouse and children, that the head of the Met Office isn’t on a performance related pay scheme.
Forecasting is always going to be hard, in effect you’re trying to predict the future and that’s no easy job – who for example would have predicted that Boris Johnson would be allowed to run one of the most important cities in the world?
With certainty, the meteorologists are better predictors of the future that the so called “fortune tellers” that can often be found a fairgrounds. These fortune tellers often ask questions such as, “does the name John mean anything to you,” to which the person answering has 2 options:
- Answer “yes” and then you can explain a bit about John.
- Answer “no” at which point the fortune teller will say, “he will come into your life soon” – if he doesn’t, which is likely, then you’re hardly going to be able to track the fortune teller down.
Such is the cloudiness of what fortune tellers say that they now have to officially state that their advice is purely entertainment – a move that, unsurprisingly, the fortune tellers didn’t see coming and one wonders if the weather forecast should display the same warning.
In fairness, we shouldn’t really complain about the weather forecaster, it’s not their fault that the British summer tends to be intertwined with bad weather, in a manner similar to which the England football team is intertwined with underachievement and the words “British Telecom helpline” are intertwined with being an oxymoron.
It would be nice to be able to go out to the beach and enjoy a hot summer’s day, safe in the knowledge that it will remain a hot summer’s day, yet the last time I went to the British seaside, I had to go and buy a jumper to keep myself warm, and this was in August – whilst I wanted to see some beautiful blue skies and the feeling of the sand going between my toes, I ended up with blue hands and my toes nearly dropping off due to frostbite.
I always think the summer and the British seaside has always been associated with something slightly smutty, perhaps is it the Carry On style postcards that adorn the independent seaside newsagents. I don’t think that there has been a Carry On film recorded at the seaside, but it would have been a good idea; it would certainly give a legitimate reason for Barbara Windsor to be wearing a bikini and the writers would no doubt find an adequate reason for said bikini to fall off. Furthermore, the setting could easily be at a port town – that way Kenneth Williams could make jokes about sailors and the amount of discharged seamen on the streets.
But the British seaside during the summer appears to be a heaven for older people, often sensibly dressed in overcoats, tailored cotton trousers and black shoes, and who can blame them, the weather will often chance dramatically. It really is a shame though that our older people who’ve worked hard all their life aren’t afforded the luxury of nice weather in the summer, consequently people will instead holiday abroad.
The British will often head over to Spain, Portugal or Greece their holidays and battle with the rest of Europe in a competition to secure a sunlounger as early in the day as possible. At least by heading abroad, the schoolchildren aren’t subjected to the TV adverts that occur 1 day into the 6 weeks holidays saying that they will soon be “going back to school soon”, the children are aware of this, so it would be nice not to constantly remind them of the inevitable – you don’t see people going around an old peoples’ home and advising them that they will be dying soon, similarly, you don’t see people at a John Terry’s house telling his wife that her husband is probably having an affair, allegedly.
Yet, once the sunlounger is reserved, a week long project to change the colour of your body can commence, which will go one of two ways – firstly, you will burn and turn a shade of red which is slightly brighter than a highly embarrassed and heavily bleeding tomato or you will go brown and your body will have a higher leather content than Tom Jones’ trousers. Accordingly, on your return from holiday you need to ensure that you don’t visit the Land of Leather, just in case someone puts a price tag on you and includes you in their closing down sale – which a sale that has been ongoing since 1894.
Perhaps it is this desire to sunbath/burn that drives people to the sunnier spots, as well as the want to be close to the more attractive people, obviously for the younger man, there is the opportunity to froth at the mouth at the topless sunbathers from around the world… indeed, I once remember lying on a sunlounger next to an American with the biggest breasts I’d ever seen… he was enormous…
Monday, 26 July 2010
Head and Shoulders above the rest
I remember when I was at school, there were many occasions when I got into trouble and I was told to go and speak to a man who had no arms, no legs and no body – he was called “the head”.
The role of the head-teacher is critically important to people’s education and future lives, the book ultimately stops with the head-teacher. Hence they can at times be accountable for up to 2,000 people’s education, it fosters a lot of responsibility and, a bit like Abu Hamza trying to tie his shoe laces – it’s not a very easy job.
A few weeks ago there was dismay after the head-teacher, Mr Mark Elms, of an inner-city London school was paid over £200,000 during the tax year. This led to calls from Education Secretary Michael Gove to cap take home pay for teachers, however, it should be noted that Elms did have a large amount paid to him as arrears, hence one of Elms’ failings was not demanding that his money be paid to him in the year he earned it. In any event, the parents of this school stated that Elms is worth every penny – presumably the opposers to Elms’ pay would rather employ an idiot to the post, pay them £20,000 and hope that by chance these children can somehow prosper.
The argument can no doubt be made that the Government needs to reduce its deficient and that is partly been done by cuts to public services and, there have been many criticisms of the current and previous Government and their spending: Was it wise to let John Prescott claim a food allowance on his expenses? Was there good value for money in the research and development of Boris Johnson? Was there really a need for 2 Millibands?
Certainly, the case can be made that no-one deserves to be paid more than the Prime Minister, however the large salaries that the private sector offers; make Mr Elms’ take home pay see rather meagre. In addition, one rather bizarre part of the story was for the GMB workers union to complain about Mr Elms’ pay, claiming it to be too high. It does make you wonder what the job of a union is, aren’t they meant to push for higher wages? To me it all appeared to be as bizarre as the occasions when Katie Price complains about press intrusion or when Simon Cowell criticises the lack of original and creative music.
Teaching though in general can be a tricky profession, you are the responsible person in the room, when a young child is neglected by their parents, hence it becomes the teachers’ responsibility to report this. This is a responsibility that continues right through to adulthood, when I was in a lecture theatre at university a few months ago, a girl fell down the stairs when leaving and even then, in a room full of adults, the lecturer was the person who walked to the front and checked if the girl was okay. Fortunately she was fine - therefore, everyone else in the room could continue with the feelings of: wanting to laugh, and regretting not recording the fall on their mobile phones.
Teaching is ultimately a skilled profession after all and the great saying goes, “Those who can teach; those who can’t… have to make do with less than 13 weeks holiday a year”. So it must be something of a kick in the teeth for teachers when the Conservatives announced their idea that parents and community groups can set up their own school if they feel their local school is underperforming. Aside from showing little care for the existing school, what do parents know about running a school? This idea I believe is quite popular in Scandinavia, where many schools are set up by parents and community groups. In Sweden, you can try to set up your own school – the school arrives flat-packed and you must assemble it with an alum key.
It would of course be useful if when you had a Government, which had some ridiculous half-baked ideas, then you could go and set up your own Government, however, there is no such possibility. The idea of having a choice is an interesting concept, and “choice” has become a buzzword in recent years. For example, there are plans to allow a patient the choice of which hospital they get have an operation in. To be honest, if I was due an operation, I wouldn’t really care which hospital I went to, as long as the job gets done, and furthermore, I know nothing about hospitals – to make a fully informed decision, I would probably have to go to medical school for 6 years, train as a doctor and then spend some time working in the hospitals I wanted to choose from, at which point I would probably have already died from whatever it was that left me requiring an operation.
As a way of transferring the power back to the people (or a way of making massive cuts in the public service, depending on your viewpoint) David Cameron this week announced his plans for a big society, where the community takes over the running of certain facilities, in a place where everyone contributes and gives their time for free. Cameron announced this last week and then went straight to America to speak to President Obama, that way he didn’t have to answer any questions about the “big society” that he appears to be forcing on to the nation – something which there doesn’t seem to be much choice in.
The trip didn’t run all that smoothly for Cameron though, he got into to hot water when asked if he’d, “packed his back himself,” to which he responded, “no… I got Nick Clegg to do it for me”… following on from that, the trip went from bad to worse… what with the cuts to services, and everyone being forced to make a contribution to society… Cameron was forced to fly the plane to America himself…
The role of the head-teacher is critically important to people’s education and future lives, the book ultimately stops with the head-teacher. Hence they can at times be accountable for up to 2,000 people’s education, it fosters a lot of responsibility and, a bit like Abu Hamza trying to tie his shoe laces – it’s not a very easy job.
A few weeks ago there was dismay after the head-teacher, Mr Mark Elms, of an inner-city London school was paid over £200,000 during the tax year. This led to calls from Education Secretary Michael Gove to cap take home pay for teachers, however, it should be noted that Elms did have a large amount paid to him as arrears, hence one of Elms’ failings was not demanding that his money be paid to him in the year he earned it. In any event, the parents of this school stated that Elms is worth every penny – presumably the opposers to Elms’ pay would rather employ an idiot to the post, pay them £20,000 and hope that by chance these children can somehow prosper.
The argument can no doubt be made that the Government needs to reduce its deficient and that is partly been done by cuts to public services and, there have been many criticisms of the current and previous Government and their spending: Was it wise to let John Prescott claim a food allowance on his expenses? Was there good value for money in the research and development of Boris Johnson? Was there really a need for 2 Millibands?
Certainly, the case can be made that no-one deserves to be paid more than the Prime Minister, however the large salaries that the private sector offers; make Mr Elms’ take home pay see rather meagre. In addition, one rather bizarre part of the story was for the GMB workers union to complain about Mr Elms’ pay, claiming it to be too high. It does make you wonder what the job of a union is, aren’t they meant to push for higher wages? To me it all appeared to be as bizarre as the occasions when Katie Price complains about press intrusion or when Simon Cowell criticises the lack of original and creative music.
Teaching though in general can be a tricky profession, you are the responsible person in the room, when a young child is neglected by their parents, hence it becomes the teachers’ responsibility to report this. This is a responsibility that continues right through to adulthood, when I was in a lecture theatre at university a few months ago, a girl fell down the stairs when leaving and even then, in a room full of adults, the lecturer was the person who walked to the front and checked if the girl was okay. Fortunately she was fine - therefore, everyone else in the room could continue with the feelings of: wanting to laugh, and regretting not recording the fall on their mobile phones.
Teaching is ultimately a skilled profession after all and the great saying goes, “Those who can teach; those who can’t… have to make do with less than 13 weeks holiday a year”. So it must be something of a kick in the teeth for teachers when the Conservatives announced their idea that parents and community groups can set up their own school if they feel their local school is underperforming. Aside from showing little care for the existing school, what do parents know about running a school? This idea I believe is quite popular in Scandinavia, where many schools are set up by parents and community groups. In Sweden, you can try to set up your own school – the school arrives flat-packed and you must assemble it with an alum key.
It would of course be useful if when you had a Government, which had some ridiculous half-baked ideas, then you could go and set up your own Government, however, there is no such possibility. The idea of having a choice is an interesting concept, and “choice” has become a buzzword in recent years. For example, there are plans to allow a patient the choice of which hospital they get have an operation in. To be honest, if I was due an operation, I wouldn’t really care which hospital I went to, as long as the job gets done, and furthermore, I know nothing about hospitals – to make a fully informed decision, I would probably have to go to medical school for 6 years, train as a doctor and then spend some time working in the hospitals I wanted to choose from, at which point I would probably have already died from whatever it was that left me requiring an operation.
As a way of transferring the power back to the people (or a way of making massive cuts in the public service, depending on your viewpoint) David Cameron this week announced his plans for a big society, where the community takes over the running of certain facilities, in a place where everyone contributes and gives their time for free. Cameron announced this last week and then went straight to America to speak to President Obama, that way he didn’t have to answer any questions about the “big society” that he appears to be forcing on to the nation – something which there doesn’t seem to be much choice in.
The trip didn’t run all that smoothly for Cameron though, he got into to hot water when asked if he’d, “packed his back himself,” to which he responded, “no… I got Nick Clegg to do it for me”… following on from that, the trip went from bad to worse… what with the cuts to services, and everyone being forced to make a contribution to society… Cameron was forced to fly the plane to America himself…
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden
Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden is long said to be the acronym which golf takes its name from, this is a total load of codswallop – the first recorded use of the phrase Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden was on the invitation to one of Michael Barrymore’s infamous parties.
Golf is a game that has been played for many generations, throughout the ages some special golfers have staggered audiences throughout the world with some remarkable feats: Seve Ballesteros mesmerised crowds with his superb putting; Jack Nicklaus wowed the spectators with his accurate iron play and Tiger Woods left many ardent golf fans wondering… just how a black man was ever allowed to join a golf club.
At current, golf is in great danger of becoming an all inclusive sport, women play golf nowadays, despite the chortling from many old-fashioned men “well… I have no problem with a woman having an iron in her hand”, “she can take hold of my wood and balls any day” or “yeah… that’s what I like to see… she’s getting the tee ready”.
Nonetheless, I enjoy playing the occasional round of golf, some people often say that it can be a good walk spoilt, however the way I play, there is always the chance of a nice ramble through the trees and bushes after some of my wild strokes.
In recognising that golf has become more accessible, credit must be given to the powers that be for their marketing of the sport. I remember playing on PGA golf when I first got a PC in the 1990s and after the emergence of Tiger Woods, his prowess was hooked into and subsequent golf games were referred to as “Tiger Woods Golf 2003” etc. I have often played on these games and they are great, you get to play on some of the best courses in the world, such as Pebble Beach and Sawgrass and the 2010 version of the game has some new features, like “going to the lapdancing club”, “briefing your PR man about who to give money to, in order to keep them quiet” and “driving away from your wife while she tries to beat you to death with a golf club” – which also comes with a nifty “club selection” feature.
A lot of fun can be gained from playing golf and it should appeal to more people. Young people can start by playing crazy golf (now referred to as “emotionally different golf” in order not to offend – this is a move that is both: political correctness gone mad, and madness gone politically correct). Subsequent to that, youngsters can on: play pitch and putts, par 3 courses and then have a shot at the full 18 holes (insert your own Tiger Woods joke here…)
Golf is game that involves a great amount of skill and planning, it is based around a solid technique, whilst it may not be dynamic, walking 4 miles certainly is good for one’s fitness. On top of this, it is also a game of tactics, risk and brave decision making – it certainly take a lot of balls the way I play it.
The frustration with golf is that one day you can be play in a manner that is outstanding, and the next day you can be woeful. This is do doubt what gives the game an appeal to some people, whilst driving others up the wall. I have had many rounds where on the front 9 holes I’ve performed like The Beatles and on the back 9 holes, I’ve performed like Chas and Dave. My best round in the few years I’ve been playing was when I shot a 12 over 84, this consisted of a front 9 score of 39 and back 9 score of 45 – this round was my small tribute to the many troops who fought in the second world war, and it gives me some affinity with them, as I went out in 39 and came back in 45.
Last week, the showpiece of UK golf, The Open Championship, was played at the home of golf, St Andrew’s, on the Old Course – you would have thought that for such an important tournament, they would let them play on a newer course instead of a tatty old thing.
But nonetheless, the Old Course it was and the most famous hole is the 17th, named the road hole. Local rules state that if the ball lands on the road at the back of the green, then you hit the ball off the road, instead of moving the ball onto the grass to play your shot. Such rules probably turn people away from golf, the entire rule book must be exorbitantly thick, and on top of that, each club carries local rules as well. It’s like the Highway Code saying that on certain roads you must drive on the right-hand side of the road.
The Open was won in a convincing manner by Lodewicus Theodorus Oosthuizen – no doubt man who engraved the trophy this year was given a lot more work to do than he expected, that said he can’t really complain given that he only does it once a year and hopefully he will have finished the job in time for next year’s tournament.
Oosthuizen’s achievement was quite impressive, it was only the second time in his entire career that he has ever finished in the top half of any of golf’s 4 major tournaments and this perhaps emphasises the best part of the game: there are times when you can simply play out of your skin and impress anyone. Spare a though for Rory McIlroy, who had a 17 shot difference between his first two rounds – I’m not sure exactly, but that must be a record that simply can’t be beaten, a bit like Lee Harvey Oswald’s record of “the most amount of times anyone has ever killed President John F Kennedy”.
In terms of trying to impress anyone, I remember once playing golf with a friend of mine who taking a large amount of time over his tee shot on the first hole. When I questioned him as to what he was doing, he responded that his wife was watching him from the clubhouse balcony and he wanted to hit the perfect shot… he landed his ball in the trees at the side of the fairway… this was unfortunate for him… he was trying to hit his wife between the eyes…
Golf is a game that has been played for many generations, throughout the ages some special golfers have staggered audiences throughout the world with some remarkable feats: Seve Ballesteros mesmerised crowds with his superb putting; Jack Nicklaus wowed the spectators with his accurate iron play and Tiger Woods left many ardent golf fans wondering… just how a black man was ever allowed to join a golf club.
At current, golf is in great danger of becoming an all inclusive sport, women play golf nowadays, despite the chortling from many old-fashioned men “well… I have no problem with a woman having an iron in her hand”, “she can take hold of my wood and balls any day” or “yeah… that’s what I like to see… she’s getting the tee ready”.
Nonetheless, I enjoy playing the occasional round of golf, some people often say that it can be a good walk spoilt, however the way I play, there is always the chance of a nice ramble through the trees and bushes after some of my wild strokes.
In recognising that golf has become more accessible, credit must be given to the powers that be for their marketing of the sport. I remember playing on PGA golf when I first got a PC in the 1990s and after the emergence of Tiger Woods, his prowess was hooked into and subsequent golf games were referred to as “Tiger Woods Golf 2003” etc. I have often played on these games and they are great, you get to play on some of the best courses in the world, such as Pebble Beach and Sawgrass and the 2010 version of the game has some new features, like “going to the lapdancing club”, “briefing your PR man about who to give money to, in order to keep them quiet” and “driving away from your wife while she tries to beat you to death with a golf club” – which also comes with a nifty “club selection” feature.
A lot of fun can be gained from playing golf and it should appeal to more people. Young people can start by playing crazy golf (now referred to as “emotionally different golf” in order not to offend – this is a move that is both: political correctness gone mad, and madness gone politically correct). Subsequent to that, youngsters can on: play pitch and putts, par 3 courses and then have a shot at the full 18 holes (insert your own Tiger Woods joke here…)
Golf is game that involves a great amount of skill and planning, it is based around a solid technique, whilst it may not be dynamic, walking 4 miles certainly is good for one’s fitness. On top of this, it is also a game of tactics, risk and brave decision making – it certainly take a lot of balls the way I play it.
The frustration with golf is that one day you can be play in a manner that is outstanding, and the next day you can be woeful. This is do doubt what gives the game an appeal to some people, whilst driving others up the wall. I have had many rounds where on the front 9 holes I’ve performed like The Beatles and on the back 9 holes, I’ve performed like Chas and Dave. My best round in the few years I’ve been playing was when I shot a 12 over 84, this consisted of a front 9 score of 39 and back 9 score of 45 – this round was my small tribute to the many troops who fought in the second world war, and it gives me some affinity with them, as I went out in 39 and came back in 45.
Last week, the showpiece of UK golf, The Open Championship, was played at the home of golf, St Andrew’s, on the Old Course – you would have thought that for such an important tournament, they would let them play on a newer course instead of a tatty old thing.
But nonetheless, the Old Course it was and the most famous hole is the 17th, named the road hole. Local rules state that if the ball lands on the road at the back of the green, then you hit the ball off the road, instead of moving the ball onto the grass to play your shot. Such rules probably turn people away from golf, the entire rule book must be exorbitantly thick, and on top of that, each club carries local rules as well. It’s like the Highway Code saying that on certain roads you must drive on the right-hand side of the road.
The Open was won in a convincing manner by Lodewicus Theodorus Oosthuizen – no doubt man who engraved the trophy this year was given a lot more work to do than he expected, that said he can’t really complain given that he only does it once a year and hopefully he will have finished the job in time for next year’s tournament.
Oosthuizen’s achievement was quite impressive, it was only the second time in his entire career that he has ever finished in the top half of any of golf’s 4 major tournaments and this perhaps emphasises the best part of the game: there are times when you can simply play out of your skin and impress anyone. Spare a though for Rory McIlroy, who had a 17 shot difference between his first two rounds – I’m not sure exactly, but that must be a record that simply can’t be beaten, a bit like Lee Harvey Oswald’s record of “the most amount of times anyone has ever killed President John F Kennedy”.
In terms of trying to impress anyone, I remember once playing golf with a friend of mine who taking a large amount of time over his tee shot on the first hole. When I questioned him as to what he was doing, he responded that his wife was watching him from the clubhouse balcony and he wanted to hit the perfect shot… he landed his ball in the trees at the side of the fairway… this was unfortunate for him… he was trying to hit his wife between the eyes…
Friday, 16 July 2010
A German Named Paul
Animals have always been something that have interested me, both domesticated and wild, all humans are animals (in Wayne Rooney’s case, the resemblance is a bit too uncanny), however not all animals are human, and that is a very important thing to remember.
I, to be honest, am not an animal lover, but I appreciated that other people are. I know when I go to a friend’s house and if they have a dog; I will get covered in dog hairs and I also appreciate that some cat owners may erroneously believe that their cat is a child. However, I do not appreciate being accosted in the street by a dog with sharp teeth who rears up, salivates all over me and puts their mucky paws on me – even if the dog is “only playing”. Likewise, I don’t particularly like it when my friend’s dogs/cats decide to hump my leg – as I said, I’m not an animal lover, literally.
In fairness, my main gripe isn’t so much towards the animals, as it is towards the owners of said animals, quite how a dog/cat owner knows when their dog is “only playing” or that their cat is “really clever” is beyond me. Indeed, can animals even be all that intelligent?
Well… presumably… yes. As this week it was revealed that a German Octopus called Paul tried to predict the outcome of 8 World Cup games and he got them all correct – this makes him significant cleverer than the person who decided to call an Octopus Paul. Paul would also be an unusual name for a German, however, Paul was apparently born in England – so along with Howard Webb, he ensured that England had some form of involvement with the World Cup final.
Whether it was skill or guesswork is a mystery, the likelihood of Paul’s guesses being pot luck are quite rare at 1 in 256 – which carries the same chance of putting the entire songbook of Westlife on, and happening upon a good song. Or alternatively, the same odds as Prince Phillip going on a Royal visit and not making an offensive remark. (By the way, my favourite gaffe from Prince Philip was when he saw a badly fitted fuse box on a tour of a factory in Scotland and commented that it, “looked like it had been fitted by an Indian” – a remark that managed to offend over one billion people in one fell swoop, which is an impressive number, even by Prince Phillip’s standards).
Getting back to Paul, he should be congratulated for his feat, predicating as many games correctly as you have legs is tricky for an animal and I for one am certainly looking forward to David the Hungarian Millipede’s predictions for the 2014 World Cup.
Paul’s method of predicting the winners was simple, he sat on the box of the country whom he thought was going to win – the original plan was for him to point to the county he thought was going to win, but when he tried it out in a practice run, all he broke loose as their were tentacles gesticulating all over the place.
Whether Paul is that intelligent is a topic for debate, whilst he managed to predict the result of the World Cup final, he failed to predict that it would be a terrible game and he would have been rendered useless if Germany had drawn any of their group games. Furthermore, if Paul was that intelligent then surely he would have tried to place a few bets on his predictions – he could have earned himself a few squid. *
I think that our obsession with Paul, and creatures such as him, is because we as a human race like to claim we know exactly what an animal is thinking. Often people say that snakes are more frightened of humans than humans are of snakes – I can assure you that this isn’t the case, there is no way whatsoever that if I came face-to-face with Oliver the Burmese Python, that he would be more terrified than me. The idea that he is more scared of me is like suggesting that if I was convicted to death by firing squad, then the fighting squad would be more concerned about their safety that I would be about mine – although this may be a legitimate feeling if it’s an American firing squad, what with their well known ability to shoot their own allies.
I can understand people’s desire to get near to animals, particularly dangerous ones, as it is a form of flirting to the unknown, a thrill-seeking endeavour, however, as Steve Irwin proved things can go horribly wrong. This week the land Down Under gave another example of this, when it was a revealed that a heavily intoxicated Australian named Michael Newman, was on his way home from a pub, when he decided to try and ride home on a Crocodile – Mr Newman now no doubt regrets walking into his local taxi office and saying, “can you find me something to take me home… and make it snappy”.
Note, these are all allegations made by the police – hence the police can now be legitimately referred to as “the alligators”.
The poor man was savagely attacked by Macro the Australian Crocodile; following this he then went back to the bar he had previously been drinking in with chunks of flesh missing from his lower body. Mr Newman has been heavily intoxicated on many occasions (he’s Australian), however, this time… he was… quite literally… legless…
* I greatly appreciate it if you continued reading this blog after the “squid” joke…
I, to be honest, am not an animal lover, but I appreciated that other people are. I know when I go to a friend’s house and if they have a dog; I will get covered in dog hairs and I also appreciate that some cat owners may erroneously believe that their cat is a child. However, I do not appreciate being accosted in the street by a dog with sharp teeth who rears up, salivates all over me and puts their mucky paws on me – even if the dog is “only playing”. Likewise, I don’t particularly like it when my friend’s dogs/cats decide to hump my leg – as I said, I’m not an animal lover, literally.
In fairness, my main gripe isn’t so much towards the animals, as it is towards the owners of said animals, quite how a dog/cat owner knows when their dog is “only playing” or that their cat is “really clever” is beyond me. Indeed, can animals even be all that intelligent?
Well… presumably… yes. As this week it was revealed that a German Octopus called Paul tried to predict the outcome of 8 World Cup games and he got them all correct – this makes him significant cleverer than the person who decided to call an Octopus Paul. Paul would also be an unusual name for a German, however, Paul was apparently born in England – so along with Howard Webb, he ensured that England had some form of involvement with the World Cup final.
Whether it was skill or guesswork is a mystery, the likelihood of Paul’s guesses being pot luck are quite rare at 1 in 256 – which carries the same chance of putting the entire songbook of Westlife on, and happening upon a good song. Or alternatively, the same odds as Prince Phillip going on a Royal visit and not making an offensive remark. (By the way, my favourite gaffe from Prince Philip was when he saw a badly fitted fuse box on a tour of a factory in Scotland and commented that it, “looked like it had been fitted by an Indian” – a remark that managed to offend over one billion people in one fell swoop, which is an impressive number, even by Prince Phillip’s standards).
Getting back to Paul, he should be congratulated for his feat, predicating as many games correctly as you have legs is tricky for an animal and I for one am certainly looking forward to David the Hungarian Millipede’s predictions for the 2014 World Cup.
Paul’s method of predicting the winners was simple, he sat on the box of the country whom he thought was going to win – the original plan was for him to point to the county he thought was going to win, but when he tried it out in a practice run, all he broke loose as their were tentacles gesticulating all over the place.
Whether Paul is that intelligent is a topic for debate, whilst he managed to predict the result of the World Cup final, he failed to predict that it would be a terrible game and he would have been rendered useless if Germany had drawn any of their group games. Furthermore, if Paul was that intelligent then surely he would have tried to place a few bets on his predictions – he could have earned himself a few squid. *
I think that our obsession with Paul, and creatures such as him, is because we as a human race like to claim we know exactly what an animal is thinking. Often people say that snakes are more frightened of humans than humans are of snakes – I can assure you that this isn’t the case, there is no way whatsoever that if I came face-to-face with Oliver the Burmese Python, that he would be more terrified than me. The idea that he is more scared of me is like suggesting that if I was convicted to death by firing squad, then the fighting squad would be more concerned about their safety that I would be about mine – although this may be a legitimate feeling if it’s an American firing squad, what with their well known ability to shoot their own allies.
I can understand people’s desire to get near to animals, particularly dangerous ones, as it is a form of flirting to the unknown, a thrill-seeking endeavour, however, as Steve Irwin proved things can go horribly wrong. This week the land Down Under gave another example of this, when it was a revealed that a heavily intoxicated Australian named Michael Newman, was on his way home from a pub, when he decided to try and ride home on a Crocodile – Mr Newman now no doubt regrets walking into his local taxi office and saying, “can you find me something to take me home… and make it snappy”.
Note, these are all allegations made by the police – hence the police can now be legitimately referred to as “the alligators”.
The poor man was savagely attacked by Macro the Australian Crocodile; following this he then went back to the bar he had previously been drinking in with chunks of flesh missing from his lower body. Mr Newman has been heavily intoxicated on many occasions (he’s Australian), however, this time… he was… quite literally… legless…
* I greatly appreciate it if you continued reading this blog after the “squid” joke…
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
And on That Bombshell
I am back ‘blogging, fortunately I wasn’t taken by members of the Russian underground – or used as a bargaining tool to facilitate an international spy swap.
This ‘blog focuses on television chat shows, a genre which has always interested me. It appears to be a popular format, to the extent that almost every television programme now appears to drop a few chat show elements into it – for some reason, listening to two people talk on television is far more interesting than if they were talking in place other than in front of a television camera.
I watched Top Gear on BBC2 the other week and Alastair Campbell was the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car, hence he had a mini interview with Jeremy Clarkson as well,
“he’s quite obnoxious, rude and small minded, yet despite all this, he appears to large following, with many people ignoring his misgivings and worshipping the ground he walks on”
… is what they both said after the interview. Campbell in fairness didn’t really have much to plug whilst he was on Top Gear, instead he spoke about the recent General Election and he put his usual spin on it. Clarkson conducted the interview quite well and he didn’t explode like Adam Boulton – the now infamous Boulton/Campbell clash is quite unique as Boulton became the first person in history to actually make Alastair Campbell come out of an interview looking relatively pleasant.
It is noticeable that Clarkson ends every episode of Top Gear with the Alan Partridge phrase “and on that bombshell” – this is perhaps a good analogy for what television chat shows have become, what started out as a joke on the fictional Alan Partridge show actually came to life when Cabinet minister Mo Mowlem MP took part in a dog marriage ceremony on So Graham Norton in 2000. Also such bottom-of-the-barrel behaviour was replicated when Jonathan Ross asked David Cameron MP if he had ever “had a wank while thinking about Mrs Thatcher”, which is quite a disgusting thing to ask – although no doubt the messages left by Ross on Cameron’s answerphone after the show were even more distasteful.
A few days before Campbell’s appearance on Top Gear I was flicking through the TV channels and happened upon a show on More4 which reviewed books to read for the summer. The guest on this occasion was Peter Andre, he spoke to heavyweight interviewer Jo Brand about his book “My World: in Pictures and Words” – one can only assume that to simply publish a book called “My World: in Words” would be too intellectually challenging for both Andre and his customer base, so he instead when for a Mr Men style book. I’m not fully sure which Mr Men character Andre would be – although it is worth noting that the most recent Mr Men book to be published was called Mr Nobody.
Whilst promoting his book, Andre did chat about his career, which didn’t take long, and he then spoke about his life and said that whilst he’d done “sex” and “rock and roll”, he didn’t do “drugs” – I’m not sure exactly what constituted the rock and roll to be honest, it could have been Mysterious Girl, but likewise it could have been that well know rock and roll song Insania. In all honesty, Andre sounds like a nice enough type of man. But that’s it. You could find people just as amiable as him on the street, yet we have a thirst for knowing more about him.
Indeed if we do want to find out about people on the street then we can get a warped idea by watching the Jeremy Kyle Show, where Kyle nips down to the local job centre in order to recruit his guests. Kyle, the morally superior host (twice married, fathered four children, had a string of affairs, former gambling addict and stole from his first wife, allegedly) then bear bates his guests, the bulk of whom have their lives in turmoil. Such a show isn’t new, the bigoted and permanently tanned Robert Kilroy-Silk presented a similar show for many years until he was forced to resign, he then attempted to re-start his Political career. Note, one funny moment involving Kilroy-Silk was when someone threw a bucket of horse manure over him – a case of the shit hitting the tan.
The nature of a celebrity chat show is quite tried and tested: start the series amongst much hype with some relatively big hitting guests; subsequently the quality of the guests will dwindle; normally each show will contain a comedian, in order to get a few laughs, and there will also be a musical guest for ensure everyone’s taste is catered for. It is worth pointing out that BBC4 has a range of in depth interviews that last one hour and focuses on the thoughts and career of the sole interviewee. These programmes are often on late at night though – heaven forbid that they might schedule clash with Robson Green’s Extreme Fishing.
Perhaps the worst of all the chat shows was Davina McCall’s self-titled show Davina – she will no doubt now regret the naming of the show as it inherently links back to her. However the slightly perverse thing is that not many people remember her for it because it was so terrible and the guests were so poor that virtually no-one watched this prime-time BBC1 show. Indeed it took over a week to realise that one show featured as its guests: Osama Bin Laden, Lord Lucan, Shergar and music from Glenn Miller… and on that bombshell…
This ‘blog focuses on television chat shows, a genre which has always interested me. It appears to be a popular format, to the extent that almost every television programme now appears to drop a few chat show elements into it – for some reason, listening to two people talk on television is far more interesting than if they were talking in place other than in front of a television camera.
I watched Top Gear on BBC2 the other week and Alastair Campbell was the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car, hence he had a mini interview with Jeremy Clarkson as well,
“he’s quite obnoxious, rude and small minded, yet despite all this, he appears to large following, with many people ignoring his misgivings and worshipping the ground he walks on”
… is what they both said after the interview. Campbell in fairness didn’t really have much to plug whilst he was on Top Gear, instead he spoke about the recent General Election and he put his usual spin on it. Clarkson conducted the interview quite well and he didn’t explode like Adam Boulton – the now infamous Boulton/Campbell clash is quite unique as Boulton became the first person in history to actually make Alastair Campbell come out of an interview looking relatively pleasant.
It is noticeable that Clarkson ends every episode of Top Gear with the Alan Partridge phrase “and on that bombshell” – this is perhaps a good analogy for what television chat shows have become, what started out as a joke on the fictional Alan Partridge show actually came to life when Cabinet minister Mo Mowlem MP took part in a dog marriage ceremony on So Graham Norton in 2000. Also such bottom-of-the-barrel behaviour was replicated when Jonathan Ross asked David Cameron MP if he had ever “had a wank while thinking about Mrs Thatcher”, which is quite a disgusting thing to ask – although no doubt the messages left by Ross on Cameron’s answerphone after the show were even more distasteful.
A few days before Campbell’s appearance on Top Gear I was flicking through the TV channels and happened upon a show on More4 which reviewed books to read for the summer. The guest on this occasion was Peter Andre, he spoke to heavyweight interviewer Jo Brand about his book “My World: in Pictures and Words” – one can only assume that to simply publish a book called “My World: in Words” would be too intellectually challenging for both Andre and his customer base, so he instead when for a Mr Men style book. I’m not fully sure which Mr Men character Andre would be – although it is worth noting that the most recent Mr Men book to be published was called Mr Nobody.
Whilst promoting his book, Andre did chat about his career, which didn’t take long, and he then spoke about his life and said that whilst he’d done “sex” and “rock and roll”, he didn’t do “drugs” – I’m not sure exactly what constituted the rock and roll to be honest, it could have been Mysterious Girl, but likewise it could have been that well know rock and roll song Insania. In all honesty, Andre sounds like a nice enough type of man. But that’s it. You could find people just as amiable as him on the street, yet we have a thirst for knowing more about him.
Indeed if we do want to find out about people on the street then we can get a warped idea by watching the Jeremy Kyle Show, where Kyle nips down to the local job centre in order to recruit his guests. Kyle, the morally superior host (twice married, fathered four children, had a string of affairs, former gambling addict and stole from his first wife, allegedly) then bear bates his guests, the bulk of whom have their lives in turmoil. Such a show isn’t new, the bigoted and permanently tanned Robert Kilroy-Silk presented a similar show for many years until he was forced to resign, he then attempted to re-start his Political career. Note, one funny moment involving Kilroy-Silk was when someone threw a bucket of horse manure over him – a case of the shit hitting the tan.
The nature of a celebrity chat show is quite tried and tested: start the series amongst much hype with some relatively big hitting guests; subsequently the quality of the guests will dwindle; normally each show will contain a comedian, in order to get a few laughs, and there will also be a musical guest for ensure everyone’s taste is catered for. It is worth pointing out that BBC4 has a range of in depth interviews that last one hour and focuses on the thoughts and career of the sole interviewee. These programmes are often on late at night though – heaven forbid that they might schedule clash with Robson Green’s Extreme Fishing.
Perhaps the worst of all the chat shows was Davina McCall’s self-titled show Davina – she will no doubt now regret the naming of the show as it inherently links back to her. However the slightly perverse thing is that not many people remember her for it because it was so terrible and the guests were so poor that virtually no-one watched this prime-time BBC1 show. Indeed it took over a week to realise that one show featured as its guests: Osama Bin Laden, Lord Lucan, Shergar and music from Glenn Miller… and on that bombshell…
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