Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden

Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden is long said to be the acronym which golf takes its name from, this is a total load of codswallop – the first recorded use of the phrase Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden was on the invitation to one of Michael Barrymore’s infamous parties.

Golf is a game that has been played for many generations, throughout the ages some special golfers have staggered audiences throughout the world with some remarkable feats: Seve Ballesteros mesmerised crowds with his superb putting; Jack Nicklaus wowed the spectators with his accurate iron play and Tiger Woods left many ardent golf fans wondering… just how a black man was ever allowed to join a golf club.

At current, golf is in great danger of becoming an all inclusive sport, women play golf nowadays, despite the chortling from many old-fashioned men “well… I have no problem with a woman having an iron in her hand”, “she can take hold of my wood and balls any day” or “yeah… that’s what I like to see… she’s getting the tee ready”.

Nonetheless, I enjoy playing the occasional round of golf, some people often say that it can be a good walk spoilt, however the way I play, there is always the chance of a nice ramble through the trees and bushes after some of my wild strokes.

In recognising that golf has become more accessible, credit must be given to the powers that be for their marketing of the sport. I remember playing on PGA golf when I first got a PC in the 1990s and after the emergence of Tiger Woods, his prowess was hooked into and subsequent golf games were referred to as “Tiger Woods Golf 2003” etc. I have often played on these games and they are great, you get to play on some of the best courses in the world, such as Pebble Beach and Sawgrass and the 2010 version of the game has some new features, like “going to the lapdancing club”, “briefing your PR man about who to give money to, in order to keep them quiet” and “driving away from your wife while she tries to beat you to death with a golf club” – which also comes with a nifty “club selection” feature.

A lot of fun can be gained from playing golf and it should appeal to more people. Young people can start by playing crazy golf (now referred to as “emotionally different golf” in order not to offend – this is a move that is both: political correctness gone mad, and madness gone politically correct). Subsequent to that, youngsters can on: play pitch and putts, par 3 courses and then have a shot at the full 18 holes (insert your own Tiger Woods joke here…)

Golf is game that involves a great amount of skill and planning, it is based around a solid technique, whilst it may not be dynamic, walking 4 miles certainly is good for one’s fitness. On top of this, it is also a game of tactics, risk and brave decision making – it certainly take a lot of balls the way I play it.

The frustration with golf is that one day you can be play in a manner that is outstanding, and the next day you can be woeful. This is do doubt what gives the game an appeal to some people, whilst driving others up the wall. I have had many rounds where on the front 9 holes I’ve performed like The Beatles and on the back 9 holes, I’ve performed like Chas and Dave. My best round in the few years I’ve been playing was when I shot a 12 over 84, this consisted of a front 9 score of 39 and back 9 score of 45 – this round was my small tribute to the many troops who fought in the second world war, and it gives me some affinity with them, as I went out in 39 and came back in 45.

Last week, the showpiece of UK golf, The Open Championship, was played at the home of golf, St Andrew’s, on the Old Course – you would have thought that for such an important tournament, they would let them play on a newer course instead of a tatty old thing.

But nonetheless, the Old Course it was and the most famous hole is the 17th, named the road hole. Local rules state that if the ball lands on the road at the back of the green, then you hit the ball off the road, instead of moving the ball onto the grass to play your shot. Such rules probably turn people away from golf, the entire rule book must be exorbitantly thick, and on top of that, each club carries local rules as well. It’s like the Highway Code saying that on certain roads you must drive on the right-hand side of the road.

The Open was won in a convincing manner by Lodewicus Theodorus Oosthuizen – no doubt man who engraved the trophy this year was given a lot more work to do than he expected, that said he can’t really complain given that he only does it once a year and hopefully he will have finished the job in time for next year’s tournament.

Oosthuizen’s achievement was quite impressive, it was only the second time in his entire career that he has ever finished in the top half of any of golf’s 4 major tournaments and this perhaps emphasises the best part of the game: there are times when you can simply play out of your skin and impress anyone. Spare a though for Rory McIlroy, who had a 17 shot difference between his first two rounds – I’m not sure exactly, but that must be a record that simply can’t be beaten, a bit like Lee Harvey Oswald’s record of “the most amount of times anyone has ever killed President John F Kennedy”.

In terms of trying to impress anyone, I remember once playing golf with a friend of mine who taking a large amount of time over his tee shot on the first hole. When I questioned him as to what he was doing, he responded that his wife was watching him from the clubhouse balcony and he wanted to hit the perfect shot… he landed his ball in the trees at the side of the fairway… this was unfortunate for him… he was trying to hit his wife between the eyes…