In a rare move for the United Kingdom, we had a referendum only a few days ago on the subject of the “Alternative Vote”. This referendum was such that there was the chance that, if we had voted Yes, then a loser who is well liked could one day become your local MP – which would offer a potential career opportunity to Peter Andre.
Campaigning on the matter had been quite limited, but what there was of it was of astonishingly poor taste, unpredictable and largely quite insulting – a bit like Charlie Sheen’s recent behaviour… he should have stuck to making furniture polish…
The reason for the poor taste in the campaign is the fact that the propaganda did not follow strict party lines, hence no accountability and therefore the ability to print whatever you wanted – a bit like the journalists at the News of the World used to, because Andy Coulson knew nothing about the stories been borne out of phone hacking. Poor old Coulson was just an innocent bystander who, even though it wasn’t his fault, was forced to resign from his job – twice.
The No Campaign was clear: one person should only be allowed one vote – something which they slightly undermined themselves with when they told me about this twice (once in a flyer addressed to me at my flat and once in a flyer addressed to me at my parent’s house) I believe this is due to me being on two electoral registers and therefore able to make a bit of mockery of the No Campaign’s one person, one vote ethos.
The whole notion of holding this referendum on the Alternative Vote is slightly bizarre, mainly because it wasn’t featured in the manifestos of any political party at the 2010 general election. Despite the myth and the garbage spewed out by the No Campaign, Nick Clegg does not want use of instant run-off in elections; he would like the a Parliament that is a proportional representation of how the electorate voted – and a smooch and cuddle from David Cameron.
Another pitiful argument used on behalf of the No Campaign was the assertion that the people would fail to understand how to vote and that it was too complicated. This statement is a tad insulting, whilst I am not a huge advocate of the intelligence of the general members of the public I would expect that the bulk of people are able to count to 3 – it really isn’t that hard, I can count up to 68… as soon as I get to 69 I start thinking of other things and giggling like a little girl.
Yet saying Alternative Vote is harder to understand that First Past the Post is probably a valid statement. However making a cup of tea is harder than making a glass of water and yet I am still prepared and capable to making a cup of tea – so I think I have just blow that argument out of the water and/or cup of tea.
A few more of the arguments used by the No Campaign include the bizarre accusation that the referendum is un-British and their leaflet contained a picture of a running race where the person coming fourth out of four is declared the winner under the Alternative Voting system – which would not have been the case as his votes would be reallocated first. Although I suppose if you put those two augments for No together, what could be more British than a British person coming last in a running race?
Possibly the worst argument of them all was the typical “very few other countries use it, so why should we” which I suppose is a valid point in respect of its limited use on a macro level. The No Campaign reeled off Alternative Vote using countries such as Australia, Papa New Guinea and Fiji; which is news to me as I was of the understanding that Fiji was currently under the rule of military dictatorship – but then apparently I’m not capable of even understanding the system, so what do I know?
I should not say that the Yes Campaign have been a great deal better in their arguments and literature; probably their lowest moment was when they stated that we should vote Yes because the First Past the Post system allowed the expenses scandal to happen and hence implied that such a scandal wouldn’t happen in a House of Commons elected via the Alternative Vote. Quite why this assertion is made is beyond me – it’s not as though an improved Patient/Doctor care charter would have convinced Harold Shipman that what he was doing was wrong; and the 37th relaunch of the FA’s Respect Campaign failed in its attempt to prevent Wayne Rooney from launching a volley of profanities at the referee… the assistant referees… the opposition players… the opposition supporters… his own supporters… and, bizarrely, a cameraman…
No doubt that whist people joked that they would fill in the their ballot form with Yes as their first preference and No as their second preference; the arguments and information presented were so unclear that if would have been preferable if their was an option to vote Maybe – and if there was, then the overused joke about filling in the referendum ballot paper using an Alternative Voting method would work better as it contained 3 options instead of 2.
Unfortunately things hit rock bottom in the campaigns when the arguments became:
• The Liberal Democrats said that you should vote Yes to ensure that you get less Conservative MPs – despite being in a Coalition Government with the Conservatives.
• The Conservatives said that you should vote No to ensure that we don’t end up always producing a Coalition Government – despite them currently being part of a Coalition Government.*
But of course the key thing to remember is that the Coalition Government is working…
When the final votes came in they were: 6.15m people voted for Yes – which is quite a lot of people to vote for Jon Anderson, Rick Wakeman, Chris Howe and Steve Squire’s 1970s prog-rock band… and 13.01m people said No… well… it could have been that… or it could have been that Ian Paisley was the only person to vote that way… and he completed his ballot paper in his usual manner…
* That might not be strictly true – hitting rock bottom may have occurred when Peter Stringfellow was asked to present the argument for the No Campaign the during a debate on Radio 2…
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Sunday, 24 April 2011
A (John) Terrible Mistake?
A few weeks ago John Terry was reinstated as captain of the England football team. Such a decision raises many questions: Do we as a nation believe that time spend in the wilderness is a qualifier for redemption? Can the urge for a strong leader outweigh our misgivings towards said leader? And why on earth would anyone want to captain our bunch of overpaid also-rans on two separate occasions?
It was just over a year ago that it was revealed that John “Daddy of the year” Terry was found to be taking his work home with him and filling in for his absent left back colleague Wayne Bridge, by sleeping with his former girlfriend, allegedly. Capello promptly met with Terry and striped him of the captaincy – being stripped in public was quite embarrassing for Terry, as he normally gets stripped in the Wayne Bridge’s old bedroom.
People understandably felt sorry for Bridge, being publicly embarrassed through no fault of his own can’t have been pleasant – and to laugh at a man being publically embarrassed through no fault of his own would have only been fair if Bridge was appearing on a reality TV show.
No doubt Bridge will now want to put Terry and Chelsea behind him; to this end he has bagged himself a new girlfriend, none other than Frankie Sandford from the Saturdays. I would question the wisdom of him on this point – if you want a new start and to forget Terry and Chelsea… don’t enter into a relationship that will be referred to as “Sandford-Bridge” by the tabloids…
Nonetheless, the whole reinstating of Terry shows really how important a strong, charismatic and inspirational leader is. Such people can be a rare commodity, looking at the Tory party between the years 1990 to 2005 shows how difficult things can be. Fortunately for them, the Labour party recently found a leader who fulfils all of the above– but they decided to elect his brother instead.
Ed Miliband does however appear to get an unnecessarily large amount of criticism from the press, whilst he is busy trying to unite the Labour party; the press make accusations that he is trying to UNITE the Labour party. That said, Ed Miliband doesn’t appear to be the most charismatic and fired up person in the world – on the eve of the recent protests in London about the Governmental cuts he Tweeted:
“Speaking at the march today for a real and credible alternative to this Tory-led Govt. See some of you there. #march26”
I’m not really sure that when the Egyptian protestors descended into Cairo recently and rallied against the former Government led by President Mubarak that the rallying cry was “See some of you there”. But whether they did or not, ultimately they were successful and the Government was toppled – that said, most dodgy Pyramid schemes tend to collapse at some point.
I suppose the latest protests were designed to be more peaceful and to this end, Miliband had to be cautious not to stoke the fires (especially the ones burning on Oxford Street) too much. Prior to the off, it was said that anyone there with the sole purpose of partaking in violent and unruly acts were not welcome… but despite that the Metropolitan Police turned up anyway.
The pressure on a leader can be immense at times, Miliband himself has recently announced that he’s getting married to the woman he loves/the person his spin doctors have told him to marry in order to appease Middle England. Interestingly though his brother David will not be the Best Man. However David is invited, along with certain member of the Shadow Cabinet, there’s no need for anyone to officially RSVP though – the invite just says “see some of you there”…
All of this criticism is for a man who is ultimately in opposition, the pressures on David Cameron, like Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and John Major before him, must be immense. Recent troubles in Libya called for clear and decisive action, that is well thought out and planned efficiently – this was somewhat undermined when we got confused with the time difference and sent our SAS men into Benghazi in the middle of the night, so when they landed in the middle of nowhere in a helicopter, they didn’t have a clue where they were. The idea that going in the middle of the night as a clever disguise was quite preposterous; I might not be the sharpest chisel in the box (although I am pretty good at the wordsearch in the Times – I am not good enough to do the crossword yet) – but I think would competently spot a helicopter landing in the dark, the fact that something has 50 foot rotating blades and travels at 150+ miles per hour means that it will be quite noisy and therefore easy to spot, even at 3 in the morning.
In this respect I do feel for Cameron, as the situation in Libya does appear to be a bit of an unknown. The people of Libya clearly want Gadaffi out*, but the international community do not really appear to know their objectives – or indeed how to even achieve the objective that they’re not even sure of. A lot of the current debate is currently centring on whether the UK army currently have “Boots at ground level in Libya”… obviously if there isn’t, then our servicemen and woman will have to get their toiletries from another place, such as Lloyds Pharmacy or a more general retailer like Tesco.
The opposition facing Gadiffi is intense – irrespective of whether there are many Boots stores in Libya or not. He must live in fear and that fear will be greater than the fear felt by Terry when he opens the News of the World. With Gadaffi being hounded out by his people, he could be forced into exile from Libya – if that is that case, then you should watch out for him appearing on the well known Middle Eastern TV property show Home Under the Hamas.
The key thing for a leader however, is often the quality and unity of their lieutenants… if the people around you are of good quality and have faith in you, you will often succeed. Gadaffi recently had ignominy of having his Foreign Minister walk out on him and flee to the UK. The Foreign Minister in question, a man named Moussa Koussa (a man who is also presumably friends with Jack Black, Shaquille O'Neal, Jacques Chirac and Evil Knievel), took a bold move to flee to the UK, as he is said to have been involved in the Lockabie bombing and there was a real chance of him getting arrested when he arrived… that said… he was promptly questioned by Scotland Yard in respect of the Lockabie bombing… to which Moussa Koussa confirmed he was involved… so he was released and allowed to walk free…
Not really anything to do with the main body of this ‘blog post, but about 2 months ago I happened upon a protest against Gadaffi’s regime and the protestors were chanting “1,2,3,4… Gad-af-fi no more” which was good, but the word “Gadaffi” could easily been substituted for anyone else’s name. If they had chanted “1,2,3… remove Gad-af-fi” then it would give the impression that they were putting in a lot more effort. If you would like me to think up any chants in an attempt to remove any tyrants form power, please let me know.
It was just over a year ago that it was revealed that John “Daddy of the year” Terry was found to be taking his work home with him and filling in for his absent left back colleague Wayne Bridge, by sleeping with his former girlfriend, allegedly. Capello promptly met with Terry and striped him of the captaincy – being stripped in public was quite embarrassing for Terry, as he normally gets stripped in the Wayne Bridge’s old bedroom.
People understandably felt sorry for Bridge, being publicly embarrassed through no fault of his own can’t have been pleasant – and to laugh at a man being publically embarrassed through no fault of his own would have only been fair if Bridge was appearing on a reality TV show.
No doubt Bridge will now want to put Terry and Chelsea behind him; to this end he has bagged himself a new girlfriend, none other than Frankie Sandford from the Saturdays. I would question the wisdom of him on this point – if you want a new start and to forget Terry and Chelsea… don’t enter into a relationship that will be referred to as “Sandford-Bridge” by the tabloids…
Nonetheless, the whole reinstating of Terry shows really how important a strong, charismatic and inspirational leader is. Such people can be a rare commodity, looking at the Tory party between the years 1990 to 2005 shows how difficult things can be. Fortunately for them, the Labour party recently found a leader who fulfils all of the above– but they decided to elect his brother instead.
Ed Miliband does however appear to get an unnecessarily large amount of criticism from the press, whilst he is busy trying to unite the Labour party; the press make accusations that he is trying to UNITE the Labour party. That said, Ed Miliband doesn’t appear to be the most charismatic and fired up person in the world – on the eve of the recent protests in London about the Governmental cuts he Tweeted:
“Speaking at the march today for a real and credible alternative to this Tory-led Govt. See some of you there. #march26”
I’m not really sure that when the Egyptian protestors descended into Cairo recently and rallied against the former Government led by President Mubarak that the rallying cry was “See some of you there”. But whether they did or not, ultimately they were successful and the Government was toppled – that said, most dodgy Pyramid schemes tend to collapse at some point.
I suppose the latest protests were designed to be more peaceful and to this end, Miliband had to be cautious not to stoke the fires (especially the ones burning on Oxford Street) too much. Prior to the off, it was said that anyone there with the sole purpose of partaking in violent and unruly acts were not welcome… but despite that the Metropolitan Police turned up anyway.
The pressure on a leader can be immense at times, Miliband himself has recently announced that he’s getting married to the woman he loves/the person his spin doctors have told him to marry in order to appease Middle England. Interestingly though his brother David will not be the Best Man. However David is invited, along with certain member of the Shadow Cabinet, there’s no need for anyone to officially RSVP though – the invite just says “see some of you there”…
All of this criticism is for a man who is ultimately in opposition, the pressures on David Cameron, like Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and John Major before him, must be immense. Recent troubles in Libya called for clear and decisive action, that is well thought out and planned efficiently – this was somewhat undermined when we got confused with the time difference and sent our SAS men into Benghazi in the middle of the night, so when they landed in the middle of nowhere in a helicopter, they didn’t have a clue where they were. The idea that going in the middle of the night as a clever disguise was quite preposterous; I might not be the sharpest chisel in the box (although I am pretty good at the wordsearch in the Times – I am not good enough to do the crossword yet) – but I think would competently spot a helicopter landing in the dark, the fact that something has 50 foot rotating blades and travels at 150+ miles per hour means that it will be quite noisy and therefore easy to spot, even at 3 in the morning.
In this respect I do feel for Cameron, as the situation in Libya does appear to be a bit of an unknown. The people of Libya clearly want Gadaffi out*, but the international community do not really appear to know their objectives – or indeed how to even achieve the objective that they’re not even sure of. A lot of the current debate is currently centring on whether the UK army currently have “Boots at ground level in Libya”… obviously if there isn’t, then our servicemen and woman will have to get their toiletries from another place, such as Lloyds Pharmacy or a more general retailer like Tesco.
The opposition facing Gadiffi is intense – irrespective of whether there are many Boots stores in Libya or not. He must live in fear and that fear will be greater than the fear felt by Terry when he opens the News of the World. With Gadaffi being hounded out by his people, he could be forced into exile from Libya – if that is that case, then you should watch out for him appearing on the well known Middle Eastern TV property show Home Under the Hamas.
The key thing for a leader however, is often the quality and unity of their lieutenants… if the people around you are of good quality and have faith in you, you will often succeed. Gadaffi recently had ignominy of having his Foreign Minister walk out on him and flee to the UK. The Foreign Minister in question, a man named Moussa Koussa (a man who is also presumably friends with Jack Black, Shaquille O'Neal, Jacques Chirac and Evil Knievel), took a bold move to flee to the UK, as he is said to have been involved in the Lockabie bombing and there was a real chance of him getting arrested when he arrived… that said… he was promptly questioned by Scotland Yard in respect of the Lockabie bombing… to which Moussa Koussa confirmed he was involved… so he was released and allowed to walk free…
Not really anything to do with the main body of this ‘blog post, but about 2 months ago I happened upon a protest against Gadaffi’s regime and the protestors were chanting “1,2,3,4… Gad-af-fi no more” which was good, but the word “Gadaffi” could easily been substituted for anyone else’s name. If they had chanted “1,2,3… remove Gad-af-fi” then it would give the impression that they were putting in a lot more effort. If you would like me to think up any chants in an attempt to remove any tyrants form power, please let me know.
Sunday, 6 February 2011
Old (fashioned) and Gray
Last week Andy Gray was involved in a huge scandal… when it was revealed that he used to be paid £1.7million per year to… erm… talk about football. Along with Richard Keys, he was also involved in a sexism scandal, and what with a sexism scandal being bigger than a sex scandal it was promptly pronounced the “scandal of the year so far” – which is hardly a great accolade given that it occurred during January.
The sexism scandal erupted after Gray and Keys were caught off camera, and indeed off guard, making comments about the female assistant referee (formerly linesman) Sian Massey. Gray and Keys suggested that it was ridiculous that a woman was running the line as woman don’t know the offside rule, a rule which isn’t that tricky to understand anyway – a few of my friends explained it to me in the pub the other day and it involves a pint glass being nearer to the edge of the table than an ashtray, as long as it is behind or level with a beermat.
Gray and Keys were eventually sacked/resigned before they were sacked, after new footage of them making sexist comments emerged, but they are not alone in making sexist remarks on television: for example I really like Loose Women… however, I severely detest the idle gossip of the television show with the same name, some of which could be taken as sexist towards men.
The new footage of Gray showed him asking a female presenter to tuck his shirt in for him and this was enough to get him sacked… he most certainly was not sacked from Sky Sports (a brand name of BSkyB – owed by Rupert Murdoch) for allegedly taking legal action against the News of the World (part of the News International Group – owned by Rupert Murdoch) with respect to the phone hacking scandal – anyone who makes such a suggestion can be on very rocky legal ground. As such, I am glad that I have categorically stated that that was not the reason Andy Gray was sacked from Sky Sports.
Keys on the other hand eventually resigned [because he was about to get sacked and] after new footage came to light of him asking Jamie Redknapp if he had “smashed it” and made a reference to “hanging out the back” of a woman. It was viewed as sexist that Keys referred to a woman as “it”, although quite clearly the “it” in “smashing it” refer not to her, but to her… erm… “women’s area” – a place which Keys would ironically say is nowhere near a football pitch.
It does seems strange that Keys uses the phrase “smashing it”, implying an element of brutality and aggression and he then follows it up with the phrase “hanging out the back of” suggesting that Redknapp would merely place his cock inside the unnamed woman and just… well… leave it there – but to be fair, Redknapp may be too worn out after spending all of his spare time “smashing it”… and solving the mystery of why his dad believes that Peter Crouch is a good football player.
I suppose that the comments made by Gray and Keys went some way to proving that age old saying that football is a game of two half… wits. But their comments were pale in comparison to the infamous comments made by Ron Atkinson when he called the then Chelsea defender Marcel Desailly a “lazy thick nigger” – perhaps in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have just used the phrase “pale in comparison”…
Credit given where it’s due to Atkinson, he chose not to scrape the barrel and highlight the work that he did for black footballers during his tenure as manager of West Bromwich Albion – in a “I’m not racist, some of my best friends are black” kind of way. He simply offered the explanation that he was not aware that the microphone was switched on – which is a perfectly plausible excuse that could have been used at any point during Atkinson’s commentary career.
Atkinson appreciated that his comments were unacceptable, the same couldn’t have been said of Jimmy Hill, who came out in defence of Atkinson, claiming that the word “nigger” was part of the football culture and what Ron Atkinson said was no more offensive than when Hill is referred to as “chinny” – so called because of his rather large chin, which apparently can now be seen on Google Earth, as can the local farmers’ fields which get ploughed whenever Hill walks though them.
Whilst Hill is clearly affected by such comments (although I’d advise him to just take them on the chin…) I do think he’s missed the point to some extent, perhaps if I was to open the paper and see reports of a man being horrifically attacked in a chin related incident, then his words may have carried some substance. On a similar note, if America in the 1960s had been awash with the “chin riots” and Martin Luther King had a dream about “little boys and girls with big chins being able to join hands with little boys and girls with normal-sized chins” then Hill’s defence of Atkinson may have being more justified – and Martin Luther King would be a bit weird... *
Unfortunately for Hill, there is no uprising led by the likes of Jay Leno and Bruce Forsyth and accordingly people will still make snide remarks about chins. But within calling him “chinny” there is no slur on his ability to do his job. As where Andy Gray and Richard Keys’ comments were doing exactly that to Sian Massey, commenting on her ability to do her job with a reference to a ridiculous stereotype. We shouldn’t forget that women have had to flight a long struggled to get equality and were only allowed to vote in the UK in 1928 – I suppose their ability to vote is now apparent with us having a hung Parliament… bloody women… always dithering on the big issues…
So as where Atkinson looked as competent as Mr Bean and Hill left himself a mountain to climb; Gray showed that he could only see things in black & white and Keys unlocked the portal that sent his career into freefall mode – on a temporary basis, he and Gray will probably be commentating on ESPN come the new season. People in the public eye should be careful, the Orwellian concept of Big Brother appears to be rampant, yet the Thought Police aren’t quite as active at the moment – they have probably bore the brunt of the Government’s cuts in this period of austerity. As such, if you are about to offend, then it may be better to keep your views to yourself.
But presumably Keys and Gray were given a nice send off by Sky Sports, their colleagues apparently held a big party for them… Keys and Gray were dressed smart for the occasion – albeit Gray with a little assistance in terms of getting tucked in… and there were good times with the female presenters from Sky Sports News – who are most definitely employed due to their ability to read the news and understand sport… and Keys and Gray were even given a bakewell tart… “bake well tart,” one of the scoffed… “that’s an instruction I give to my wife”…
* Absolutely nothing to do with the ‘blog per se, but when I was in Next a few months ago I saw a bathroom loofah, which was one single white loofah and the packaging referred to it as “Martin Loofah King”… I’m not really sure of that is the best way to honour one of the greatest civil rights campaigners ever to have existed. I’m guessing it probably isn’t; and in any event, I would question the symbolism of having just one white loofah, surely Martin Luther King would have preferred a 2-pack of loofahs – with one white loofah and one black loofah, just a thought…
The sexism scandal erupted after Gray and Keys were caught off camera, and indeed off guard, making comments about the female assistant referee (formerly linesman) Sian Massey. Gray and Keys suggested that it was ridiculous that a woman was running the line as woman don’t know the offside rule, a rule which isn’t that tricky to understand anyway – a few of my friends explained it to me in the pub the other day and it involves a pint glass being nearer to the edge of the table than an ashtray, as long as it is behind or level with a beermat.
Gray and Keys were eventually sacked/resigned before they were sacked, after new footage of them making sexist comments emerged, but they are not alone in making sexist remarks on television: for example I really like Loose Women… however, I severely detest the idle gossip of the television show with the same name, some of which could be taken as sexist towards men.
The new footage of Gray showed him asking a female presenter to tuck his shirt in for him and this was enough to get him sacked… he most certainly was not sacked from Sky Sports (a brand name of BSkyB – owed by Rupert Murdoch) for allegedly taking legal action against the News of the World (part of the News International Group – owned by Rupert Murdoch) with respect to the phone hacking scandal – anyone who makes such a suggestion can be on very rocky legal ground. As such, I am glad that I have categorically stated that that was not the reason Andy Gray was sacked from Sky Sports.
Keys on the other hand eventually resigned [because he was about to get sacked and] after new footage came to light of him asking Jamie Redknapp if he had “smashed it” and made a reference to “hanging out the back” of a woman. It was viewed as sexist that Keys referred to a woman as “it”, although quite clearly the “it” in “smashing it” refer not to her, but to her… erm… “women’s area” – a place which Keys would ironically say is nowhere near a football pitch.
It does seems strange that Keys uses the phrase “smashing it”, implying an element of brutality and aggression and he then follows it up with the phrase “hanging out the back of” suggesting that Redknapp would merely place his cock inside the unnamed woman and just… well… leave it there – but to be fair, Redknapp may be too worn out after spending all of his spare time “smashing it”… and solving the mystery of why his dad believes that Peter Crouch is a good football player.
I suppose that the comments made by Gray and Keys went some way to proving that age old saying that football is a game of two half… wits. But their comments were pale in comparison to the infamous comments made by Ron Atkinson when he called the then Chelsea defender Marcel Desailly a “lazy thick nigger” – perhaps in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have just used the phrase “pale in comparison”…
Credit given where it’s due to Atkinson, he chose not to scrape the barrel and highlight the work that he did for black footballers during his tenure as manager of West Bromwich Albion – in a “I’m not racist, some of my best friends are black” kind of way. He simply offered the explanation that he was not aware that the microphone was switched on – which is a perfectly plausible excuse that could have been used at any point during Atkinson’s commentary career.
Atkinson appreciated that his comments were unacceptable, the same couldn’t have been said of Jimmy Hill, who came out in defence of Atkinson, claiming that the word “nigger” was part of the football culture and what Ron Atkinson said was no more offensive than when Hill is referred to as “chinny” – so called because of his rather large chin, which apparently can now be seen on Google Earth, as can the local farmers’ fields which get ploughed whenever Hill walks though them.
Whilst Hill is clearly affected by such comments (although I’d advise him to just take them on the chin…) I do think he’s missed the point to some extent, perhaps if I was to open the paper and see reports of a man being horrifically attacked in a chin related incident, then his words may have carried some substance. On a similar note, if America in the 1960s had been awash with the “chin riots” and Martin Luther King had a dream about “little boys and girls with big chins being able to join hands with little boys and girls with normal-sized chins” then Hill’s defence of Atkinson may have being more justified – and Martin Luther King would be a bit weird... *
Unfortunately for Hill, there is no uprising led by the likes of Jay Leno and Bruce Forsyth and accordingly people will still make snide remarks about chins. But within calling him “chinny” there is no slur on his ability to do his job. As where Andy Gray and Richard Keys’ comments were doing exactly that to Sian Massey, commenting on her ability to do her job with a reference to a ridiculous stereotype. We shouldn’t forget that women have had to flight a long struggled to get equality and were only allowed to vote in the UK in 1928 – I suppose their ability to vote is now apparent with us having a hung Parliament… bloody women… always dithering on the big issues…
So as where Atkinson looked as competent as Mr Bean and Hill left himself a mountain to climb; Gray showed that he could only see things in black & white and Keys unlocked the portal that sent his career into freefall mode – on a temporary basis, he and Gray will probably be commentating on ESPN come the new season. People in the public eye should be careful, the Orwellian concept of Big Brother appears to be rampant, yet the Thought Police aren’t quite as active at the moment – they have probably bore the brunt of the Government’s cuts in this period of austerity. As such, if you are about to offend, then it may be better to keep your views to yourself.
But presumably Keys and Gray were given a nice send off by Sky Sports, their colleagues apparently held a big party for them… Keys and Gray were dressed smart for the occasion – albeit Gray with a little assistance in terms of getting tucked in… and there were good times with the female presenters from Sky Sports News – who are most definitely employed due to their ability to read the news and understand sport… and Keys and Gray were even given a bakewell tart… “bake well tart,” one of the scoffed… “that’s an instruction I give to my wife”…
* Absolutely nothing to do with the ‘blog per se, but when I was in Next a few months ago I saw a bathroom loofah, which was one single white loofah and the packaging referred to it as “Martin Loofah King”… I’m not really sure of that is the best way to honour one of the greatest civil rights campaigners ever to have existed. I’m guessing it probably isn’t; and in any event, I would question the symbolism of having just one white loofah, surely Martin Luther King would have preferred a 2-pack of loofahs – with one white loofah and one black loofah, just a thought…
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid… just bored
I am currently in a place of emptiness. Nothing of any great innovation, interest or importance happens… and before you ask – I am not trapped inside the mind of Katie Price, and nor have I gone for a holiday to Slough. I am instead talking about the short period that exists between Christmas and the New Year.
Quite what we are supposed to do during this four day period between Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve is anyone’s guess. Having previously helped to stimulate the retail industry in the run up to Christmas and then the alcohol industry during Christmas, I now find myself helping out the sitting-on-my-arse-starring-blankly-at-the-television industry during this four day period.
It would be nice if something more meaningful could happen, perhaps in future years a major golf tournament could be organised, it would last four days so would therefore be ideal. Of course playing golf in this kind of snow and frost would be far from prefect and all participants should have either yellow or red balls – and to be honest, if that’s the case, then I think said participant would probably rather miss the golf tournament and instead pay a visit to the doctor… particularly if they are female.
Golf, understandably, doesn’t make it into the television schedules around Christmas time, so instead comedy specials are normally on offer; in the old days, The Two Ronnies and Morecambe and Wise were the staples of Christmas Day television. This year Ronnie Corbett did his own show, The One Ronnie, and Morecambe and Wise did nothing – presumably using their usual pisspoor excuse that they had both been dead for over ten years. That said, for anyone prepared to stay up late, there was some first rate comedy on Sky – Australia were attempting to play cricket, and presumably in a tribute to Morcambe and Wise… their batsmen played in a manner which suggested that they had also been dead for over 10 years.
Although in terms of comedy, you can’t beat the woefulness of Christmas cracker jokes. Recent research has suggested that it is essential to have really bad cracker jokes, that way no-one will feel left out by not getting the joke – I’m guessing a similar rationale is used for making policies in the current Government. As such and in keeping with the general content of this ‘blog, I feel it is only appropriate to list some of the Christmas cracker jokes I came across this year:
- What is the difference between a computer with a broken hard drive and England goalkeeper Robert Green? One of them doesn’t save anything… and the other one is a computer with a broken hard drive.
- What do Piers Morgan and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes have in common? They are both useless tossers.
- How may policeman does it take to crack an egg? None… it fell down the stairs.
- What is the difference between Frank Bruno and Michael Barrymore? One has been battered around the ring… and the other one is a boxer.
- Why did Nick Clegg cross the road? Because he said he wouldn’t.
Christmas crackers are however just one of the many traditions that adorn Christmas, another such tradition is putting Christmas presents in a stocking. This tradition, allegedly, originates from when Santa was visiting the home of a poor elderly man and his three younger daughters - obviously they are younger, if they were “older daughters” then the man should have probably asked serious questions as to whether the children were Fathered by himself.
As the man was unlikely to accept charity, Santa had to be discreet about where he hid the presents for his daughters, those presents being a bag of gold coins for each daughter. Thinking with a clear and logical mind, despite probably having already drank many glasses of sherry, Santa put the gold coins into the girls’ stockings, which were hung up above the fire to dry out. Whilst this was a nice gesture, it does give an insight into what Santa gets up to on the other 364 days of the year, perhaps he regularly puts money into ladies’ stockings in strip clubs? It certainly gives a different meaning as to exactly what “Lapland” is – although I think any stripper would probably object if Santa’s method of payment was to put numerous coins into her underwear…
Perhaps one of the most endearing aspects of Christmas is that all of a sudden many people change their attitude and everything somehow gets Christmas crow-barred into it – be it Christmas lights in the window, or your local delicatessen renaming itself “Cheeses of Nazareth” for the entire month of December.
On top of the renaming and redecorating things, Christmas is the season of goodwill and one can easily spend the two to three weeks preceding Christmas getting out of all sorts situations simply with the words “let me off please, it’s Christmas”… a few weeks ago I was walking through a shopping centre and a Christmas pudding on roller skates crashed into me, the Christmas pudding laughed it off and skated away thinking that that “because it was Christmas” his action were acceptable. Personally I thought his actions were unacceptable – just like vandalising the Cenotaph and then claiming that, despite being a history student, you weren’t aware of what the monument was.
Whilst I did manage to come up with the witty response of “I would like to douse you in brandy and set you on fire”, said response lost its effect as it came to me about half an hour later and I was the only person in the room at the time. That said, such an event shouldn’t detract from the fact that Christmas puddings are interesting little things, where else could you get such a high content of fruits and alcohol? – other than a Michael Barrymore party…
On the whole, food in general plays a large part in the Christmas experience for many people. For some reason at Christmas, quite a lot of people illogically think it’s appropriate to fill up a bowl with hard shelled dried fruits, such as pistachios and cashews… they must be nuts. More bizarrely, there was also a story recently regarding the supermarket Morrisons, whom apparently requested that a squirrel taste-test various nuts to see which were the nicest and therefore included in Morrisons’ selection boxes of nuts… Morrisions did miss one important trick though… they forgot to ask Eamonn Holmes to do the same thing with the selection boxes of chocolate…
Quite what we are supposed to do during this four day period between Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve is anyone’s guess. Having previously helped to stimulate the retail industry in the run up to Christmas and then the alcohol industry during Christmas, I now find myself helping out the sitting-on-my-arse-starring-blankly-at-the-television industry during this four day period.
It would be nice if something more meaningful could happen, perhaps in future years a major golf tournament could be organised, it would last four days so would therefore be ideal. Of course playing golf in this kind of snow and frost would be far from prefect and all participants should have either yellow or red balls – and to be honest, if that’s the case, then I think said participant would probably rather miss the golf tournament and instead pay a visit to the doctor… particularly if they are female.
Golf, understandably, doesn’t make it into the television schedules around Christmas time, so instead comedy specials are normally on offer; in the old days, The Two Ronnies and Morecambe and Wise were the staples of Christmas Day television. This year Ronnie Corbett did his own show, The One Ronnie, and Morecambe and Wise did nothing – presumably using their usual pisspoor excuse that they had both been dead for over ten years. That said, for anyone prepared to stay up late, there was some first rate comedy on Sky – Australia were attempting to play cricket, and presumably in a tribute to Morcambe and Wise… their batsmen played in a manner which suggested that they had also been dead for over 10 years.
Although in terms of comedy, you can’t beat the woefulness of Christmas cracker jokes. Recent research has suggested that it is essential to have really bad cracker jokes, that way no-one will feel left out by not getting the joke – I’m guessing a similar rationale is used for making policies in the current Government. As such and in keeping with the general content of this ‘blog, I feel it is only appropriate to list some of the Christmas cracker jokes I came across this year:
- What is the difference between a computer with a broken hard drive and England goalkeeper Robert Green? One of them doesn’t save anything… and the other one is a computer with a broken hard drive.
- What do Piers Morgan and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes have in common? They are both useless tossers.
- How may policeman does it take to crack an egg? None… it fell down the stairs.
- What is the difference between Frank Bruno and Michael Barrymore? One has been battered around the ring… and the other one is a boxer.
- Why did Nick Clegg cross the road? Because he said he wouldn’t.
Christmas crackers are however just one of the many traditions that adorn Christmas, another such tradition is putting Christmas presents in a stocking. This tradition, allegedly, originates from when Santa was visiting the home of a poor elderly man and his three younger daughters - obviously they are younger, if they were “older daughters” then the man should have probably asked serious questions as to whether the children were Fathered by himself.
As the man was unlikely to accept charity, Santa had to be discreet about where he hid the presents for his daughters, those presents being a bag of gold coins for each daughter. Thinking with a clear and logical mind, despite probably having already drank many glasses of sherry, Santa put the gold coins into the girls’ stockings, which were hung up above the fire to dry out. Whilst this was a nice gesture, it does give an insight into what Santa gets up to on the other 364 days of the year, perhaps he regularly puts money into ladies’ stockings in strip clubs? It certainly gives a different meaning as to exactly what “Lapland” is – although I think any stripper would probably object if Santa’s method of payment was to put numerous coins into her underwear…
Perhaps one of the most endearing aspects of Christmas is that all of a sudden many people change their attitude and everything somehow gets Christmas crow-barred into it – be it Christmas lights in the window, or your local delicatessen renaming itself “Cheeses of Nazareth” for the entire month of December.
On top of the renaming and redecorating things, Christmas is the season of goodwill and one can easily spend the two to three weeks preceding Christmas getting out of all sorts situations simply with the words “let me off please, it’s Christmas”… a few weeks ago I was walking through a shopping centre and a Christmas pudding on roller skates crashed into me, the Christmas pudding laughed it off and skated away thinking that that “because it was Christmas” his action were acceptable. Personally I thought his actions were unacceptable – just like vandalising the Cenotaph and then claiming that, despite being a history student, you weren’t aware of what the monument was.
Whilst I did manage to come up with the witty response of “I would like to douse you in brandy and set you on fire”, said response lost its effect as it came to me about half an hour later and I was the only person in the room at the time. That said, such an event shouldn’t detract from the fact that Christmas puddings are interesting little things, where else could you get such a high content of fruits and alcohol? – other than a Michael Barrymore party…
On the whole, food in general plays a large part in the Christmas experience for many people. For some reason at Christmas, quite a lot of people illogically think it’s appropriate to fill up a bowl with hard shelled dried fruits, such as pistachios and cashews… they must be nuts. More bizarrely, there was also a story recently regarding the supermarket Morrisons, whom apparently requested that a squirrel taste-test various nuts to see which were the nicest and therefore included in Morrisons’ selection boxes of nuts… Morrisions did miss one important trick though… they forgot to ask Eamonn Holmes to do the same thing with the selection boxes of chocolate…
Sunday, 28 November 2010
I’m not ashamed of my actions… said the man in the balaclava
The right to protest is always an interesting area to look into. A few Wednesdays ago marked the first time I had travelled to London in 18 months and there were also 50,000 people protesting on the streets of London – I am informed that the two events are unconnected, I am neither that unpopular nor an instigator of mass protests.
These 50,000 people were protesting about the proposed increased level of student tuition fees in a protest in Central London, “We shall not, we shall not be moved” is what the protesters sang… until Countdown came on, at which point they went home or decided to smash up the Troy headquarters in Milbank.
The small minority who descended on Milbank took all the headlines. As one they, unfortunately, caused a detraction from the key issues – that being of university funding. One these moronic protestors threw a fire extinguisher off the top the Tory’s Milbank headquarters – which just like airbags in cars, was an instance health and safety equipment potentially causing more harm than good.
Although to be fair, the throwing of the fire extinguisher may have been to assist his fellow protestors put out one of the effigies of David Cameron or Nick Clegg that the protestors had set alight – yet if this was his rationale, then it would have been far safer to throw a fire blanket. It was later to revealed that said protestor was a student from Cambridge – fortunately he attended Anglia Ruskin University and not Cambridge University, proving that we do at least have some form of good education standards in this country.
One chap who did undermine my last assertion, was the student decided to show there should be no financial barriers to students wanting to attend university by kicking an overhanging glass window until the window smashed. What with the window overhanging, it smashed all over him and he was covered in shards of glass – thank god this man had a good university education, otherwise he might have done something that made himself look like an idiot.
I don’t mind protestors, but in my opinion it’s important to clearly think about how your protest will be perceived? Are you protesting for the right reasons? Are you getting your message across? Think back to 2009, when a group protested about the banks’ role in “causing” the Credit Crunch on a day to coincide with the submit of the G20 finance ministers. The idea of the protest was a logical one – the banks had lent irresponsibly, thought it was continually possible to achieve double digit growth and were taking on risk-laden transactions with little personal consequence if things went wrong. The execution of the protest was woeful – the protestors smashed up RBS’ headquarters in Central London. What with the RBS being majority owned by the taxpayer, the protestors basically cost themselves some money. Such actions must be like complaining about the state of television by smashing up your new 32 inch flatscreen.
I understand the motives of the protestors who were campaigning against an increase in student tuition fees. Nick Clegg is once again being made to look like a lapdog for David Cameron, quite how he can pledge to abolish tuition fees and then support them tripling is anyone’s guess. This Government is often said to be unpopular and “no-one voted for it” – but that is our electoral system and the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats collectively took 59.1% of the vote at the General Election. This compared to the 35.2% of the vote that Labour took in 2005. Henceforth, the major problem facing the Government, which was also faced by Gordon Brown when he took over from Tony Blair, is the lack of a mandate to rule, David Cameron doesn’t have a mandate, Nick Clegg also doesn’t have a mandate – indeed the only person to have a mandate is William Hague, although he strenuously denies this allegation and claims they were sharing a room to save costs, that way the money saved can be spent on repairing Milbank.
There have been cuts, things have had to change and Higher Education is not the only sector that is suffering from these cuts. The military has had a massive slash to its budget, with the Government reorganising certain defence arrangements, particularly with respect to warships: The Prince of Wales warship will lay redundant for a sustained period and will be fully bought into service many years later than expected – which draws an uncanny parallel with the man the ship is named after. As well as that, the UK and France are due to share warships under a groundbreaking military initiative – presumably part of a European initiative for the UK to pair up with a partner whom is terrible at fighting wars. I have no idea what would happen if the UK and France went to war with each other… well… other than that the UK would claim victory upon France’s surrender.
Following the lack of good news in the Higher Education sector, there was a second protest scheduled a fortnight later, with demonstrations all around the country, with many more students involved and this time and also less violence – I’m guessing this protest constituted a re-sit for all those who had performed poorly the first time around.
I saw part of the protest in my local city centre where there was a helicopter getting involved in the proceedings, presumably from the police’s side of things – it wouldn’t be a very good idea for the students to protest about the cost of university by one of them bringing a helicopter with them… although it does make you wonder at times that if these students decided not to protest, then perhaps all the extra money that has been spent on police and other security during these protests could maybe be allocated to university funding… just a thought…
One of the protestors I saw summoned his entire educational ability and made a placard which simply said the words “FUCK THE TORY ARSEHOLES”… something which is highly offensive… especially to Nick Clegg… because that’s his job…
*P.S. Subsequent to writing this I remembered that during the first protest I saw a protestor on the news, he was quite bafflingly dressed as a panda – I still to this day have no idea what the message behind it was… although it may have been that the average student is about as active as a mating panda…
These 50,000 people were protesting about the proposed increased level of student tuition fees in a protest in Central London, “We shall not, we shall not be moved” is what the protesters sang… until Countdown came on, at which point they went home or decided to smash up the Troy headquarters in Milbank.
The small minority who descended on Milbank took all the headlines. As one they, unfortunately, caused a detraction from the key issues – that being of university funding. One these moronic protestors threw a fire extinguisher off the top the Tory’s Milbank headquarters – which just like airbags in cars, was an instance health and safety equipment potentially causing more harm than good.
Although to be fair, the throwing of the fire extinguisher may have been to assist his fellow protestors put out one of the effigies of David Cameron or Nick Clegg that the protestors had set alight – yet if this was his rationale, then it would have been far safer to throw a fire blanket. It was later to revealed that said protestor was a student from Cambridge – fortunately he attended Anglia Ruskin University and not Cambridge University, proving that we do at least have some form of good education standards in this country.
One chap who did undermine my last assertion, was the student decided to show there should be no financial barriers to students wanting to attend university by kicking an overhanging glass window until the window smashed. What with the window overhanging, it smashed all over him and he was covered in shards of glass – thank god this man had a good university education, otherwise he might have done something that made himself look like an idiot.
I don’t mind protestors, but in my opinion it’s important to clearly think about how your protest will be perceived? Are you protesting for the right reasons? Are you getting your message across? Think back to 2009, when a group protested about the banks’ role in “causing” the Credit Crunch on a day to coincide with the submit of the G20 finance ministers. The idea of the protest was a logical one – the banks had lent irresponsibly, thought it was continually possible to achieve double digit growth and were taking on risk-laden transactions with little personal consequence if things went wrong. The execution of the protest was woeful – the protestors smashed up RBS’ headquarters in Central London. What with the RBS being majority owned by the taxpayer, the protestors basically cost themselves some money. Such actions must be like complaining about the state of television by smashing up your new 32 inch flatscreen.
I understand the motives of the protestors who were campaigning against an increase in student tuition fees. Nick Clegg is once again being made to look like a lapdog for David Cameron, quite how he can pledge to abolish tuition fees and then support them tripling is anyone’s guess. This Government is often said to be unpopular and “no-one voted for it” – but that is our electoral system and the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats collectively took 59.1% of the vote at the General Election. This compared to the 35.2% of the vote that Labour took in 2005. Henceforth, the major problem facing the Government, which was also faced by Gordon Brown when he took over from Tony Blair, is the lack of a mandate to rule, David Cameron doesn’t have a mandate, Nick Clegg also doesn’t have a mandate – indeed the only person to have a mandate is William Hague, although he strenuously denies this allegation and claims they were sharing a room to save costs, that way the money saved can be spent on repairing Milbank.
There have been cuts, things have had to change and Higher Education is not the only sector that is suffering from these cuts. The military has had a massive slash to its budget, with the Government reorganising certain defence arrangements, particularly with respect to warships: The Prince of Wales warship will lay redundant for a sustained period and will be fully bought into service many years later than expected – which draws an uncanny parallel with the man the ship is named after. As well as that, the UK and France are due to share warships under a groundbreaking military initiative – presumably part of a European initiative for the UK to pair up with a partner whom is terrible at fighting wars. I have no idea what would happen if the UK and France went to war with each other… well… other than that the UK would claim victory upon France’s surrender.
Following the lack of good news in the Higher Education sector, there was a second protest scheduled a fortnight later, with demonstrations all around the country, with many more students involved and this time and also less violence – I’m guessing this protest constituted a re-sit for all those who had performed poorly the first time around.
I saw part of the protest in my local city centre where there was a helicopter getting involved in the proceedings, presumably from the police’s side of things – it wouldn’t be a very good idea for the students to protest about the cost of university by one of them bringing a helicopter with them… although it does make you wonder at times that if these students decided not to protest, then perhaps all the extra money that has been spent on police and other security during these protests could maybe be allocated to university funding… just a thought…
One of the protestors I saw summoned his entire educational ability and made a placard which simply said the words “FUCK THE TORY ARSEHOLES”… something which is highly offensive… especially to Nick Clegg… because that’s his job…
*P.S. Subsequent to writing this I remembered that during the first protest I saw a protestor on the news, he was quite bafflingly dressed as a panda – I still to this day have no idea what the message behind it was… although it may have been that the average student is about as active as a mating panda…
Sunday, 24 October 2010
A German Aunty
I have a German Aunty, I also have a Danish Grandfather and a Dutch Cousin, and before you ask… no I am not a member of the Royal Family; they are of course, my international relations.
International relations has become an increasingly popular subject since the formation of the current Government - often referred to as the “coalition Government”, which is slightly odd as the previous Government was never referred to as the “majority Government”.
David Cameron appears to be quite bad at international relations; in recent months he’s upset Israel, the USA and Pakistan – quite why he insists on upsetting countries that harbour nuclear weapons is anyone’s guess.
In addition, when he wasn’t angering countries with nuclear weapons, he was angering certain quarters of the British public by claiming that Iran, a country without nuclear weapons, did have nuclear weapons – things can obviously get confusing and quite why such an error occurred is nuclear… sorry I meant unclear… as I said… things can get confusing.
The Prime Minister clearly views foreign affairs to be of high importance and as a safety precaution; he has requested that Boris Johnson remains on British soil – not because he’s highly gaffe prone and may cause offence to the people of whichever country he visits; I simply mean that he’s so adulterous that it’s highly probable that he would have an affair with a foreign lady. Whilst Boris is a massive advocate of the congestion charge, he sensibly doesn’t apply to his bedroom – as it would end up costing him a fortune.
Whilst the Conservatives are take a great active interest in foreign affairs, almost paradoxically; many of them are noted Eurosceptics – which must be like Jeremy Clarkson teaching a class about responsible driving or Brian Blessed lecturing people on how to be discrete.
I think such scepticism in terms of the EU derives a lot from the expansion of it May 2005; where the EU increased from having 15 member countries to 25 member countries, the ten countries joining being Estonia, Malta, Cyprus, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Hungary, Dopey, Sleepy and Happy.
The right-wing media made a huge fuss about the large volume of people who would flock to the UK as soon as the new countries were inducted into the EU. The fuss was so large that anyone would have thought the UK was about to sink under the sheer weight of the new immigrants – at which point it would probably have been quite useful if some of them were dwarfs.
Whilst the EU does have its drawbacks, it was notable that during the three Leadership Debates this year; that one of the two things that all the three major party leaders agreed on was that it was important for the UK to remain part of the EU – the other thing they all managed to agree on was that they all agreed with Nick.
Yet despite all this, the anti EU lobby is alive and well and is led by UKIP, whom have Nigel Farrage as one of their senior figures – despite him having a French pronunciation to his name. In fairness to Nigel Farrage, I’m guessing that the manner in which his name is pronounced is rather a small issue to him, given that earlier this year he was involved in a severe airplane crash that nearly killed – whether this was a failed suicide mission against the European parliament remains to be seen.
But fortunately the Government is taking a more serous approach to foreign affairs than the jokers that are UKIP, who with their monotonous ill-informed drone about how the EU is harming our economy and heritage, should probably adopt a slogan of “we talk, UKIP”.
As a sign of the significance that the current Government places on foreign affairs, they have made William Hague the Foreign Secretary. Hague is an important Political heavyweight, hence his honorific title of First Secretary State – a title formerly held by John Prescott, who was very much a “Political heavyweight” in a totally different sense.
Hague has been the unfortunate victim of a smear campaign regarding an alleged homosexual relationship with his former aide Christopher Myers, something Hague has robustly denied – presumably pointing to the fact that he’s from Yorkshire and he used to drink 14 pints of bitter a day as evidence that he’s a heterosexual.
The manner in which Hague has been the cornerstone of the Conservative front bench since David Cameron’s election as party leader, led to Cameron quickly coming out in support of Hague saying he was “100% behind William Hague”… meanwhile… Christopher Myers was claiming that he was anywhere but “100% behind William Hague”…
International relations has become an increasingly popular subject since the formation of the current Government - often referred to as the “coalition Government”, which is slightly odd as the previous Government was never referred to as the “majority Government”.
David Cameron appears to be quite bad at international relations; in recent months he’s upset Israel, the USA and Pakistan – quite why he insists on upsetting countries that harbour nuclear weapons is anyone’s guess.
In addition, when he wasn’t angering countries with nuclear weapons, he was angering certain quarters of the British public by claiming that Iran, a country without nuclear weapons, did have nuclear weapons – things can obviously get confusing and quite why such an error occurred is nuclear… sorry I meant unclear… as I said… things can get confusing.
The Prime Minister clearly views foreign affairs to be of high importance and as a safety precaution; he has requested that Boris Johnson remains on British soil – not because he’s highly gaffe prone and may cause offence to the people of whichever country he visits; I simply mean that he’s so adulterous that it’s highly probable that he would have an affair with a foreign lady. Whilst Boris is a massive advocate of the congestion charge, he sensibly doesn’t apply to his bedroom – as it would end up costing him a fortune.
Whilst the Conservatives are take a great active interest in foreign affairs, almost paradoxically; many of them are noted Eurosceptics – which must be like Jeremy Clarkson teaching a class about responsible driving or Brian Blessed lecturing people on how to be discrete.
I think such scepticism in terms of the EU derives a lot from the expansion of it May 2005; where the EU increased from having 15 member countries to 25 member countries, the ten countries joining being Estonia, Malta, Cyprus, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Hungary, Dopey, Sleepy and Happy.
The right-wing media made a huge fuss about the large volume of people who would flock to the UK as soon as the new countries were inducted into the EU. The fuss was so large that anyone would have thought the UK was about to sink under the sheer weight of the new immigrants – at which point it would probably have been quite useful if some of them were dwarfs.
Whilst the EU does have its drawbacks, it was notable that during the three Leadership Debates this year; that one of the two things that all the three major party leaders agreed on was that it was important for the UK to remain part of the EU – the other thing they all managed to agree on was that they all agreed with Nick.
Yet despite all this, the anti EU lobby is alive and well and is led by UKIP, whom have Nigel Farrage as one of their senior figures – despite him having a French pronunciation to his name. In fairness to Nigel Farrage, I’m guessing that the manner in which his name is pronounced is rather a small issue to him, given that earlier this year he was involved in a severe airplane crash that nearly killed – whether this was a failed suicide mission against the European parliament remains to be seen.
But fortunately the Government is taking a more serous approach to foreign affairs than the jokers that are UKIP, who with their monotonous ill-informed drone about how the EU is harming our economy and heritage, should probably adopt a slogan of “we talk, UKIP”.
As a sign of the significance that the current Government places on foreign affairs, they have made William Hague the Foreign Secretary. Hague is an important Political heavyweight, hence his honorific title of First Secretary State – a title formerly held by John Prescott, who was very much a “Political heavyweight” in a totally different sense.
Hague has been the unfortunate victim of a smear campaign regarding an alleged homosexual relationship with his former aide Christopher Myers, something Hague has robustly denied – presumably pointing to the fact that he’s from Yorkshire and he used to drink 14 pints of bitter a day as evidence that he’s a heterosexual.
The manner in which Hague has been the cornerstone of the Conservative front bench since David Cameron’s election as party leader, led to Cameron quickly coming out in support of Hague saying he was “100% behind William Hague”… meanwhile… Christopher Myers was claiming that he was anywhere but “100% behind William Hague”…
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Statistically speaking
It’s time to ‘blog again and after my comments a few weeks ago about Top Gear having short interviews with meaningless celebrities; their final three episodes of the series saw them interview: Andy Garcia, Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz and Jeff Goldblum – so I must now eat my words as BBC wonders why they let Michael Parkinson and Jonathan Ross leave.
Anyway, back on to the current ‘blog, there’s no need to bring the past out all over again – as O J Simpson often says.
It can be said that there are: true lies, damn lies and… the statements which Jeffery Archer used to claim were correct (I don’t even have to put the word “allegedly”, as he’s a convicted perjurer). Aside from that, statistics are often be grouped in with the contents of the previous sentence; and they are often said to be misleading - this is probably because 10 out of every 9 statistics are incorrect.
Ultimately, I think a good statistic can often give food for thought, yet these are often too simplified, there is often very little in the reported media that really drills down into greater detail. When he was Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott always used to advise that people take statistics with a pinch of salt – although to be fair, John Prescott use to advised that everything be taken with a pinch of salt. Moreover, in terms of statistics, it’s very important to remember that one can easily drown in a swimming pool which has an average depth of half a metre.
Whilst reading a report about California’s current fiscal emergency, the BBC News Website referred to California’s economy as being the “8th largest in the world”, a statistic which is totally meaningless – you can’t create an economic area and slot it into another table and claim it to be an acceptable thing to do, did this table consider the combined economy of the EU? What about the combined economy of the NAFTA members? Has anyone considered the combined economy of the USA and Kenya? It’s a bit like me saying that the £8 note is the fourth highest monetary denomination in the UK (after the £50, £20 and £10 notes) this is a obviously a load of rubbish – as I haven’t considered the £13.80 note.
To some degree, I of course sympathise, with the people of California during their economic struggle; who would have thought that a Hollywood actor and former bodybuilder with no Political experience whatsoever would struggle to lead his state through an economic downturn? At current, he’s making massive cuts to the public sector and cancelling contractual agreements – I suppose he can now legitimately be called the Terminator.
Obviously, economics can be very hard to understand, as can making money via financial services in an economic downturn. Having heard a bit about trading, I recently attempted to make a lot of money buying and selling on the markets – but unfortunately, no-one wanted to buy my fresh fruit and vegetables. I then tried to trade on the stock market, where I attempted to make a large amount of money by using a “short-selling” strategy – but regrettably, it was during the winter, so not many people wanted to buy shorts.
I think statistics links in well to finance as it is partly based around having a numeric competence. This week, a lot of the UK banks released their six month results for the first half of the year. Northern Rock was one such bank, and the “bad” portion of the bank, which consists of mortgages and unsecured loans, made a profit of £349.7m, meanwhile, the “good” portion of the bank, consisting of consumers’ deposits and newer loans, made a loss of £142.6m. With the “bad” bank making a profit and the “good” ban being at a loss; it is hardly a great surprise that people don’t fully understand the mechanics of the banking crisis – after all, the bad/good bank’s profit/loss situation at Northern Rock is akin to Sir Edmund Hillary climbing up Everest and then being unable to walk up his staircase when he returned home.
So, having now written over 73.728% of this ‘blog I should head back to the irrelevant statistics, particularly with respect to percentages. The phrase “I gave 110%” is increasingly popular, and Gordon Brown was once heavily criticised for saying he “was 101% behind Tony Blair”, even though he was behind him to a greater level than his physical capabilities – it’s like complaining that Jesus walked on water, instead of running on lemonade.
I think my main dislike regarding statistics stems from the roundness of the numbers; the manner in which percentages are rounded to the nearest 10% shows a lack of reliability. There is an advert on television about road safety that advises that “if you hit a child a 30 [miles per hour], there’s a 80% chance they will live; if you hit them at 40 [miles per hour], there’s a 80% they will die.” There statements are not wholly accurate (or if you like, not 100% accurate) – because no matter what speed you hit the young child at, they will die eventually.
That rounds up all I have to say about statistics, and it may be a while until I ‘blog again; as I am soon to move to the big city and start working full time… I’m a little bit nervous about living in a big city centre… but I should be fine… apparently 90% of people enjoy it…
Anyway, back on to the current ‘blog, there’s no need to bring the past out all over again – as O J Simpson often says.
It can be said that there are: true lies, damn lies and… the statements which Jeffery Archer used to claim were correct (I don’t even have to put the word “allegedly”, as he’s a convicted perjurer). Aside from that, statistics are often be grouped in with the contents of the previous sentence; and they are often said to be misleading - this is probably because 10 out of every 9 statistics are incorrect.
Ultimately, I think a good statistic can often give food for thought, yet these are often too simplified, there is often very little in the reported media that really drills down into greater detail. When he was Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott always used to advise that people take statistics with a pinch of salt – although to be fair, John Prescott use to advised that everything be taken with a pinch of salt. Moreover, in terms of statistics, it’s very important to remember that one can easily drown in a swimming pool which has an average depth of half a metre.
Whilst reading a report about California’s current fiscal emergency, the BBC News Website referred to California’s economy as being the “8th largest in the world”, a statistic which is totally meaningless – you can’t create an economic area and slot it into another table and claim it to be an acceptable thing to do, did this table consider the combined economy of the EU? What about the combined economy of the NAFTA members? Has anyone considered the combined economy of the USA and Kenya? It’s a bit like me saying that the £8 note is the fourth highest monetary denomination in the UK (after the £50, £20 and £10 notes) this is a obviously a load of rubbish – as I haven’t considered the £13.80 note.
To some degree, I of course sympathise, with the people of California during their economic struggle; who would have thought that a Hollywood actor and former bodybuilder with no Political experience whatsoever would struggle to lead his state through an economic downturn? At current, he’s making massive cuts to the public sector and cancelling contractual agreements – I suppose he can now legitimately be called the Terminator.
Obviously, economics can be very hard to understand, as can making money via financial services in an economic downturn. Having heard a bit about trading, I recently attempted to make a lot of money buying and selling on the markets – but unfortunately, no-one wanted to buy my fresh fruit and vegetables. I then tried to trade on the stock market, where I attempted to make a large amount of money by using a “short-selling” strategy – but regrettably, it was during the winter, so not many people wanted to buy shorts.
I think statistics links in well to finance as it is partly based around having a numeric competence. This week, a lot of the UK banks released their six month results for the first half of the year. Northern Rock was one such bank, and the “bad” portion of the bank, which consists of mortgages and unsecured loans, made a profit of £349.7m, meanwhile, the “good” portion of the bank, consisting of consumers’ deposits and newer loans, made a loss of £142.6m. With the “bad” bank making a profit and the “good” ban being at a loss; it is hardly a great surprise that people don’t fully understand the mechanics of the banking crisis – after all, the bad/good bank’s profit/loss situation at Northern Rock is akin to Sir Edmund Hillary climbing up Everest and then being unable to walk up his staircase when he returned home.
So, having now written over 73.728% of this ‘blog I should head back to the irrelevant statistics, particularly with respect to percentages. The phrase “I gave 110%” is increasingly popular, and Gordon Brown was once heavily criticised for saying he “was 101% behind Tony Blair”, even though he was behind him to a greater level than his physical capabilities – it’s like complaining that Jesus walked on water, instead of running on lemonade.
I think my main dislike regarding statistics stems from the roundness of the numbers; the manner in which percentages are rounded to the nearest 10% shows a lack of reliability. There is an advert on television about road safety that advises that “if you hit a child a 30 [miles per hour], there’s a 80% chance they will live; if you hit them at 40 [miles per hour], there’s a 80% they will die.” There statements are not wholly accurate (or if you like, not 100% accurate) – because no matter what speed you hit the young child at, they will die eventually.
That rounds up all I have to say about statistics, and it may be a while until I ‘blog again; as I am soon to move to the big city and start working full time… I’m a little bit nervous about living in a big city centre… but I should be fine… apparently 90% of people enjoy it…
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